A Servent Not a Superhero

"Our students are more than test scores, graduation rates, and disciplinary issues. They are the babies that parents prayed for and over and read to and work for and dream about. They are people who want the best for themselves whether or not they know how to articulate it or how to seek it out. Our education is more than the failure rhetoric and the achievement gap misnomer. Our problems are systemic, and endemic, but THEY WILL BE SOLVED BY PEOPLE: resilient people, unrelenting people with an edge."

 " The most important thing for you to do is to invite and invest colleagues who are already here, to work alongside the strength and capability that exists right now. Encourage and inspire people to enhance what we already know and what we already do so that we can make it better together. Look for strengths. They are here. You aren't bringing light and hope. The hope is here. Walk in it."

This is text taken from the speech given by Camika Royal, PhD. at the Philadelphia Teach for America 2012 Institute Opening Ceremony.These are my immediate, slightly ignorant, maybe too humanistic,  thoughts in response to text:

What mature, clearly bright, controversial thing to say to a group of bright eyed, bushy tailed, twenty-somethings hoping to change a community.  I personally observe that I  have given myself a little too much credit at times, thinking that the things I do will bring hope and light into someone's life, as is maybe the biggest down fall of our often over achieving, service driven, internally cocky generation. An attitude that, I do believe, often lends its' self to goal obtainment regardless of it's pitfalls. I find sometimes walking around  pretending I can save the planet by picking up litter makes the rate at which I  pick up said litter go up, then it could be argued that I should pretend I superman for sake of the environment. The problem is that sometimes when I put on my cape I actually start believing I can fly and that is impossible without the help of someone else and there resources. I, often thankfully, am not superwoman.

If I have learned anything it all is that I am not the beckon of hope that I want to be. I am  only a friend, a teacher, a lover, a student, a fellow human being who's true passion lies in being as resilient and  remarkable as the people around me. I think this speech is beautiful because it is the hard truth about servant leadership and I'm really glad to have heard such an eye opening perspective.

I Love this City

Seth and may are coming back to Marquette ;) I think  this could be just what I need.

Grow,Tree. Grow.

Text to my mother on  May 9, 2012:

Today marks a year since I "came out" to you. I feel as if we have both grown significantly since that time. Please know that I am thankful to have you in my life and know that you love me. I love you.

Text from my mother later that day:

Thank-you sweetie. I'm so lucky to have you in my life and I never try to take that blessing for granted. You and Boo mean the world to me.

I am and always have been my own rock, but without strong people by my side I am unsure just how much I would be able to handle.

I  would like to  to salute myself for gathering the courage to do what I did then. I  keep listening to May Erlewine's Love Labor Album over and over again. I really cannot believe how much her  music has gotten me through, like back when the waters were not so calm with my mother and through the disappointments and victories of last semester. The lyrics that keep resounding in my head speak to how my soul can grow if I tell myself the truth. I just want to applaud myself how honest I have been with my own character as of lately. I am doing truly well.

Merp.

"Let's talk about it." The words I use all the time when hat I really mean is, "Let's talk about you." My other personal expression."It's fine." When I say that what I really mean is, " Let's talk about all the people that are effecting me in ways that are more about them than about me."

Here is how I really feel.

I cannot believe that we are this close. I am one of those floating on he river of friendship until I drown kind of people, and I really can't tell you how rough the waters are. If I thought rivers could make waves this one would. The current  is incredible. I pulls  closer to the people that I love and I can't stop it try as I might.

Again with the confidence.

If my twitter said what I really wanted it to it might say:

I just ate a very large piece cake. #whatwasithinking

Alas, I really shouldn't worry about it that much should I? But I do don't I? Isn't that a hard hitting reality about my perception of myself. I just want to write an apology letter to my body, and tell her how much I appreciate her putting up with all of my bullshit. She is so much stronger than me.

Loosing

"I just don't know if you're good enough anymore."

or

"I just don't know if we're good enough anymore."

I'm not really sure what my mother said. I don't think it matters. I'm tired of all this talk about expectations. She is good enough and she can stop telling me that I'm not, she is doing far more damage than good. No wonder I need help finding myself. Can I blame her for that? Poor Robin, I should have told her about my self-concept. I should have told her this would happen. I feel pathetic. I wish conversations with the people who love me would help. Merp. 

As if this is what it sounds like.

I've been at home for a minute now, laying in the sunshine of your blue eyes. I've been dancing with you to the sound of a poor hipster's guitar for almost a month, but despite foreign language that your body speaks to me I still smile as if I understand you. I haven't been this confused in a while. My gut aches with shame and I can't tell if this despicable game is even fun for you anymore. I wish time could heal everything. I don't think I've ever wanted to sink or swim this much. I'm in the ocean and I can't find anyone who might hear the echo in my voice that would bounce off the cliffs of my broken heart.

Well isn't this ironic?

A Sad Story.

I called him last night and as the phone was ringing I wrote dramas in my head about what this conversation might sound like.

"I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate the my thoughts are running laps around the same damn scene that doesn't include anything  but the monster you have become in my subconscious".

"What?"

"You remember don't you? Because I certainly do. Everyday I can't help but think about the things I can't say to anyone who would understand. I hate you. I think most of all I hate that I don't always hate you, but I want you to go on thinking you disgust me. What you did does make my insides want to jump out of my stomach. I hate that sometimes I remember saying things I thought I would never regret. I hate that I remember how fat your bottom lip is or what I thought I wanted before you decided to take everything from me."

"I'm sorry"

"I decided to forgive you a long time ago and I won't forget that no matter how many nightmares this monster provokes. I just want you to know that you do not deserve to know anything about me. You, almost lover, are my inter hatred. and that is something you may never be able to truly let go of,but I refuse to let it suffocate my life. I can save myself."

Alas no answer.

May on being upset.

"I don't think I can make it all better by strumming a cord or writing a tune. I ain't got much here in my corner, just this here song and a whole lot of love for you."

I thought you should know that in no way have you ever been, nor will you ever be completely abandon, even when that is what it feels like. <3 

MLK Day

Martin Luther King Junior Day is today. It is also the first day of the semester here at Northern Michigan University. I sit here wondering how I can celebrate such a magnificent man.What can I do to show my appreciation? Should I vote? Yes. Here I am getting my education, something for which Dr. King was a advocate.What is my dream? Where is my peace?

The rest of the news is shows images of the revolt in Romania, violent outburst in Syria and the cruise ship that tipped in Italy. Everything is so jammed together. Talking to survivors, talking to survivors, and then talking to survivors. It is hard for me not think of peace globally when I see things such as this.

It is crazy the pace at which the news anchor is forced to change her facial expression to fit the mood of every news story? Foreign issues  are a sad, concerned  look. Political news is a smile that reads don't shoot the messenger. I wonder if she feels little emotion. I wonder about her dreams, what does she want for the world? As these questions cross my mind, the little racial diversity this university houses is apparent around me. Though if there is anything I've learned in the last two years it is that diversity is not just skin deep. So today I think I'll make a new friend. Celebrate the diversity of our experiences. I would like to today meet someone different form myself so I can celebrate my own dreams for peace.