Light and Fluffy.

I am going home for spring break. I better work on the pig tails and light and fluffiness that accompanies my home life. I guess it wouldn't hurt for me to seem a little less cinical. I feel badly for everyone that lays eyes on this blog being that it portrays me to be a bit of a conceded bitch.

I'm not all about myself. Promise.

Bull Shit.

Dr.Olsen claims that the Justice system is far to harsh with the sentences it gives to most sex offenders. In his opinion it is far too easy to get on the sex offenders list. He called sexual abuse that doesn't involve penetration playing ''Ditty Bop." He argues that in prehistoric days, when sex wasn't seen a morally wrong or right, sex was taught to youngsters by relatives and older friends. I was the most appalled he also brought up how there are studies that show that if a child isn't penetrated by the abuser then all the emotional damage they have as a part of the abuse will literally disappear.He defended that it is proper to put away sex offenders who commit twice, but that's it.  It was bull shit. I hated it.

I was so close to walking out today. I regret not walking out. I think he would have followed me out and apologized. I still needed to make a point. I feel badly for not saying something about how offended I was. How dare he be little what happens to people. How dare he.

Yesterday I heard that one of my darlings is reading her story at Hear Us Roar this year. When I found out that she had been sexually assulted I felt my heart break. I felt literal pain for her soul. I still feel it.

Worries.

Okay. I'm blogging for a bit of stress relief so here is my rant.

I can't stop thinking about how awesome it would be on summer orientation staff. I had RA selection today. I think I fucked up. I feel like I am not unique enough to be noticed by people who don't know me. I'm terrified of rejection, which is ironic because I value growth so much. I'm scared that everything  I do  messes everything I have going for me right up. I worry far too much about impressing people.  I focus on my self far too often. I'm weird, it's noticeable. I have a dorky laugh. I give off the impression that I would like to be other people. I just want to be me. I feel like I know who that is. I value love.


Acceptance. I need to find it with in myself first.
I'm worried about becoming an RA because I haven't "dealt" with some of my own issues, but I'm confident in my abilities to lead. It's getting around time for  self-acceptance week. I read Voices of Courage last week in my own type of preparation. I'm starting to forget how I felt exactly. I can't recall the feelings. I remember the anger but I can't harness it. I think that might be good. I feel guilty for letting myself grow past it. 


Tomorrow should be the SOS phone call day. I'm so excited. I still can't stop thinking about how awesome it would be. I keep thinking I threw myself under the bus with the challenges question. I mean now that I think a  about camp and things I've made pretty valuable connections with quiet kids. I want this so badly. I start to feel like that's a bad thing, then I remember that it is just my nature to desire things that are important  and that is something I can't control.

Loss.

I just know read a blog about the feelings you get after having lost someone you love with your whole soul. The whole of  this young woman's soul being so vast and beautiful that having been given any part of it must have been overwhelming. To be given all of it with unconditional  love and admiration must have been something that is unfathomable by someone such as myself. I morn for her.

Having lost someone at such a young age must have made it nearly unbearable. I am so lucky never having lost anyone of major significance. I mean that not in a way that disrespects the souls of those I have lost, but only to say that we should have known each other better. I am so afraid that someone is just going to drop out of my life. I know my fear is nothing in comparison to the pain she feels. Losing her mother. My soul aces for her loss. Knowing that all I've ever "lost" was you almost gives me comfort. Knowing that you are gone and I am that much stronger makes me content.

My life seems so trivial in contrast to her's. My story lacking the significance. I'm so afraid of awkwardness. How did I get this way? I hope I never loose the people in my life and regret the things I long to say, but I will loose or be lost. I hope to love so much that I will never fade away.

Again with the people in my life.

I'm not sure if blogs are supposed to be as much of a diary type thing as mine is. I may be centered around the things in my life, but this is my blog so I assume that will be accepted.

I had my SOS interview today. I thought it went rather well. As I hoped they would be, Josh and Dylan completely chill people. I think I did a fairly good job. The will to do it is even stronger now. Oh we shall see.
I talked about what a big difference M.Persons has made in my life. This was mostly because they  wanted to know who made my orientation. Becky made my orientation. So. Much. Love.

Sit. Wait. Hope.

The warmth of the sunshine.

When I was in the fourth grade I saw a movie about mountains how you can be comfy snowboarding in a bathing suit due to the weird climate in some places. Today is that day in Marquette. It is so warm here. The snow is melting faster than I've ever seen. I know the snowing sky  is bound to come back. I hope it does. Today I'll take the sunshine.

The roller coaster is always fun.

Wow. Here is the truth about how tonight just went.

9:00 freak out a bit
930 freak out a bit more
10:00 Start holding my phone in hand and looking at it.
10:15 Start excepting all potential realities
10:30 Shed tear number one
10:45 Shed tear numbers 2- 24 and get in the shower
10:50 More Tears
11:00 Wonder how pathetic I am for being quite upset
11:15 Be really really upset for wanting anything as badly as I want this. It might not be healthy this much desire for one potentially amazing experience. 
How will I face the music?
11:23 Decide that the math test I have tomorrow can not wait for tears.College waits for no self-esteem set backs
11:25 Put my hair up. Hear the phone ring. Answer it. Josh!
11:26 Hang Up the Phone. Jump up and down with Agnes.
11:27 Feel like a fool for doubting myself.
11:28 Celebrate with some people outside (quietly) Nearly piss off my RA. Hug her several times.
11:30 Come back to reality. Decide to be myself and hope that how awesome I would be at this shines brighter than these weird ass quirks of mine. Most days I'm thirlled my emotions run about as deep as the sea. Today, I'm just hoping that someone might see what a valuble player of the team I would be. = )

Oh no.

I've been overly confident today. It's 9:45 and still no word on Summer Orientation Staff Interviews. Selection got over at eight, which means they have approximately forty-five minutes to call with in the time they said they would. I want this so badly. I'm so worried. I'm so sad already. I'm sad already and time hasn't even passed yet. I want this. I'm sitting on that fence between complete joy and utter disappointment. I don't wat to fall off into utter disappointment, but there is nothing I can do but wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm waiting. Hoping and waiting.

Pressure.

Remember how I said earlier that growth is one of my core values? Well, I think I'm having a bit of a time of it as of latley. I understand the concept that growth of any sagnificance is often rather difficult. I understand that if I really want to improve any of my skills I'm going to need to be open to feedback and constructive critism, but latley I've been asking for constructive critism and it literaly terrifies me. I'm such a coward sometimes.

I lost my phone when I went sledding this weekend. I'm hopefully going to be able to get another one tomorrow. I need one becuse I have selection coming up. I'm really nervous about selection for both the Summer Orientation Staff and Resident Advisor positions. There are slightly more than five O-Staff positions and almost 37 RA positions. I heard that from Lynnea...side note about Lynnea as a person...she's amazing and I know we both want the same things coming out of RA selection and I'm rooting for her almost as much as I'm rooting for myself., which is with every fiber of my being. Anyway last year there were approximately 48 positions and 70 or so applicants. This year there are approximately 37 positions and probably more applicants than last year. I'm confident in my abilities, but I'm getting pretty nervous.

Dear Self,
Work on getting shit done and not being a bitch.
Love,
-Me

Growth.

"Education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world.” - Nelson Mandela.

Today was difficult. I'm a tiny bit stressed out. I received an e-mail today about how much I have to improve my writing skills. I basically didn't get a job that I wanted because I don't know how to write effectively. This stinks because I value communication skills enormously.  If this guy doesn't think I can write he should hear me speak to people. I sound even dumber out loud. I decided that it is important to remember that plenty of other qualified applicants were applying and this is an opportunity for growth. Growth. Just yesterday I was saying how much I value these opportunities. It would be awfully hypocritical if I took it back now that I have said opportunity. 

 I'm just worried about it because I'm handing in my orientation application pretty soon. I want SOS so badly. I would be awesome at it. Promise. Hear that boss man...I said awesome. I would be great. It's an amazing opportunity to spend the summer here and work on those speaking skills of mine. It would also be a great way to meet awesome new people and have fun with the freshmen. I just want it so bad. Desire is ridiculously powerful. 

In regards to the previous NM quote. I still think using education to stop rape in the Congo is a good idea. Today I'm going to use my education to improve these writing skills of mine. Tomorrow I'm going to use my writing skills to change the world. 

 

 

 

My mind is racing.

There is so much going on.

President Obama is coming Thursday and I get to help out with the whole event.  I am literally volunteering to help with the presidential visit. I do think that Obama's administration is a work in progress. Everything about him is a work in progress. That is what I like about Barack Obama. He's progressive both literally and politically. He is a symbol of learning while attempting excellence.

 Women for Women...

I had a dream. I had a dream that I told my mother that I was a feminist. In the dream she told me that I couldn't be a feminist without being a butch lesbian.Well mom.... I proceeded to say fuck a bunch of times. She only responded with shock when I said feminist(making it the new F-bomb). She told me to sit down and be quiet. I need to learn to keep things fluffy. I need to learn to dress up more. What happened to my little girl who liked to dress up?  Stop talking about stuff like you're talking to a group Hailey. Light and fluffy. I now hate the words light and fluffy. I used the word feminist like twenty times today. Why must I try so hard to be a rebel child? If only if I was happy with light and fluffy. I'm not even a bad ass. I am in no way radical at all/. I feel like a t-shirt feminist. I'm usually proud of how strongly I care about the issues. Today I hurt for the little girl who was happy with fluffy. Tomorrow I fight hard for the young woman who wants a voice.

Momentary freak out.

Ironically, I was asked to contribute work to a zine today. Not a feminist thing, but after that dream I probably would have jumped at it anyway. It still drives me crazy that someone cares what I have to say. Women for Women basically supports my dream recovery everyday. Thank God.

I  need to declare my gender studies minor. I need to do something good for the word. I need to stop being such an awkward dork. I need to earn how to speak in pubic without sounding  like a Valley girl. I need to learn to accept myself. I too am a work in progress.

 Love isn't selfish.

Today .

Today is my birthday. Twenty years of life I've lived. I'm too much more amazed with today than I am with everyday. Fittingly enough today was Live Learn Lead, which is a program put on through the housing office to develop students into better leaders. There was a discussion about what we value as individuals. I think that the only thing that I really know about who am becoming is were my values are rooted. Before today I had already decided in my mind that over all I value love, acceptance, and service to others. Having made this decision after a long process of thinking about it in my UN 250  class, today it was rather enjoyable to  reflect on why. I couldn't be completely open about it of course, because people I know were there and I've noticed that getting sentimental with people in a professional setting leads to awkwardness.

Love:
 I think that when knowing someone starts to influence who you are in an incredible way that is when you start to love them. I think that might be why for the mist part we love our families from birth, because they are literally who we are in the biological and psychological sense.That is why I love the people in my life who aren't my family, because they  too have become this intricate part of my being. It wasn't until last year that  I realized how many people will touch my life. I will always be thankful for that realization.

Acceptance:
Again, last year was really a great experience for me. After the New Year's Dilemma (that's the title these days) Self Acceptance Week (Women For Women) was really a moving experience for me. I think that acceptance goes hand in hand with love. If you can be open enough to the idea of letting someone influence you to the point that you love them then acceptance is the difference between love and simple admiration. The type of acceptance that accompanies love requires that you evolve as a part of someone and they evolve as a part of you.

Service:

I've realized that I have enough passion for good to change the world. I think that I may have decided this in SLFP. I think that what really inspired me was my obsession with education and the service that teachers provide for students everyday. I like to think that one day I will be able to spread my passion for education to people in the Congo. The women in the Congo deal with a  huge amount of sexual assault due to  a war based on  exploitation of the natural  resources that can be found there.I think education could stop that shit. I know, why education? I mean no one was thinking about educating the the Nazi's while they were killing the Jews. How could that help? I don't know. I just feel like if people weren't so desperate for resources because they learned other methods for sustaining themselves then we could stop rape in the Congo with education.I might be  ignorant to the real issues.

Growth:
I just officially added this one to my list of values today. I guess I'm beginning to realize more and more everyday that life is  process. I'm never going to stop writing my story because as long as I'm alive there will be something to say, something to do, something to live for and people to love. I think that is why I value growth so much. Unlike change growth is not related to regression. Growth is progress. Growth is all the reasons life is beautifully complex.

Finally, I write something with substance.