Today

Well. It's December 31st. I've decided that thought this year may have started with the worst experience of my adult life thus far, I have seen and done far too much to reflect simply on that truley awful experience.

A) I went back to NMU. I have come to see that going to college may have been the best decision I have ever made. Going to college in Marquette has validated my beliefs, altered my out look on life, and placed amazing people into my life. The whole concept is a constant reminder of how blessed I have become.

B) My Nana is in my life. Nana is a living breathing reminder of how precious life really is. I do not know how much longer she will be with us, but I believe that she is the most remarkable woman I have ever met in my life. I can say that on a count of my mother was born from her. I am consistently being spoiled by the woman. She is always lending me things and asking for nothing in return. This year in particular she paid the $700 I needed for school. I can't believe what a blessing it is to be born into a family like my own. A family that Nana created and maintained through love and mighty perseverance. I am one of the young ones. I know that I have far less to base the past conclusion on than many others, but  I've seen Nana walk on egg shells for some and use a hard hand for others. She has taken the time and to try and know everyone and in a large family that takes patience. I love her more then I think she will ever know. I thank God she is in my life and hope she continues to be there for a long time.

C) Mom. I love her. If there is one thing I know, it's that that is the one thing the two of us have.

D) Employment.

E) Becca. Reasons to be thankful for Rebecca and Mom are countless, reasons to be frustrated are few. I am lucky to have them both. Becca is just everything to me. I love her as much as a sister could love another. I was thinking about it and a year in the Peace Corps. would mean missing her Bachelor's graduation. She comes first in my life as weird as that is.

F) The beauty of nature.God and science continue to amaze me everyday. The Earth's beauty can bring me to tears. I'm thankful for this amazing spinning ball in space sustaining life for another year. GO PLANET!

Force a smile.

I'm a strong believer in the fake it until you make it policy. I can't seem to get it right. I'm far too aggressive with my beliefs, for this shut up lifestyle. I cannot wait to go home to MQT where things get real on a regular basis. Then again, I'm 19. I know nothing,right? I can fake it. I can fake knowing everything and saying nothing. Just know that in reality I really know far less then you think, and I have far more to say about it. My mind is starving.

Good things.

I'm about to renew my relationship with God. I figure the new year is as good a time as any.
I got to spend some time with Jason, my awesome relative.
I made the SFC. Yes. Something new. Something awesome. YES!
I am eventually going to  be on my way back to MQT! I love it there.
New Year's  is coming. New beginning. I need it.

Unhealthy?

My mom thinks I shouldn't blog.

I understand where she is coming from. I've read the darn thing and I seem kind of crazy. I just can't imagine not writing down the progression of my life. I'm going to continue.Walden wouldn't have been anything special if it wasn't written down and read. Think of all the brilliance I could create.

Not the end of the world.

I remeber the rush of fear I ignored the moment you slammed the door. I remember being suprised at just how stong you were...or how weak  I was. How my pain didn't even seem to kill your buzz. How I couldn't breathe and you didn't care. How your friend came in and stopped you before you ripped off my underwear. I was sick with anger. I litterally wished you would die. You were sorry. I didn't want to look you in the eye. Then all of a sudden I wanted be friends, to forget....I wanted to be able to look at you and not regret. I've never been the kind of person who could just brethe stretch shake and let things go.  I asked you about your life like a actually wanted to know.I stand here knowing things will never be the same. We barley talk and I try not to place the blame...in your hands where my hands once fit....so i put this story...in a rhyme to spit....and forgivness is the only thing between us that is still legit. I forgive you for my the daughter who I might have one day...So when I tell her my story....she'll hear the streagth in my voice when I tell her that she has always has a choice...I forgive you for the future of my one day son...so if he asks me if I have regrets...I can say "no" instead of "just one." Most of all I forgive you for me...because it is what I need to do...can you hear me when I say I forgive you?

The rain drops beat:

On the cracked stain glass windows of my soul. Tap tap tap, Painted the deepest  colors of human emotion distorting the world only enough to make beautiful the ugly reality of  someone who isn't perceiving it  through the same window panes as I..The rain drowned her dreams in screams; instead of her hopes and dreams silencing her fear and giving her a voice.I can't remember how many times i  told her she had a choice.That she did not  live a life in which she had no control. If only I could have found a door I could of  tap tap tapped  into the her mind and knocked down the brick walls that guarded  the broken pieces of her battered soul.I would have picked  them up; I could of put them back together, after all cracked windows are better than that ugly brick wall, cracked windows are better than no windows at all.I believe that her dreams of peace she can now see.A peace she could only wish for, that her presence gave to me. I wish she she would have found an alternative way to set herself free. In her death: lost was love like mine.Though she is gone forever, I still think about her all the time. The only comfort I have is that her soul is no longer stuck behind walls...free as can be her world, anything but small...I can feel her soul and she can see mine, I'm still here in this perfect storm and for me that choice is amazing not just fine... I know she is somewhere being a  beautiful angel, now perfectly divine.   see m I just want her to hear these words and know our shared dream to love the world lives in me wherever I go. I pick up her worldly dream and keep it here in my soul, it reminds me always that peace and love should be the means not just the goal.



My soul dances to the sound of lyrical storms of  passion that thunder from the hip hop underground.Boom Boom Boom.  Violence and poverty seem to pour from the sky, a neighborhood where he doesn't open the door of opportunity because he fears the storm outside.Boom Boom Boom. 17 and sometimes he doesn't go to school because he is afraid, like so many of his boys,  he too will be shot. Sometimes in his world it seems violence is an option and peace is not. In his dreams he sees only one way to destroy his crime flooded fears; one way to make a statement; like a the roots of a tree...life starts below the pavement. Power in his words;his lyrics are fire. Creating a spirit that calls for more than just a peaceful desire.Boom Boom Boom  A hip hop socialist for peace...movement in music form; true to himself his words shine like the sun in a storm.He mixes his words with rhythm brewing is a new musical culture that continues to alter the mainstream norm. Sun soaked dreams so beautiful when he writes  them down. he amazes me when he speaks them out loud. Power for peace creates perfect storm of change as a boom boom boom hip hop sound. His words lay out a plan like Martin Luther King  ..through every truth and every verse I can almost hear peace and  freedom ring. Actions that resonate  hope creates a great sound...Through the rain the sun shines and..he dreams up a world where peace... like love... is a verb and not a simply a noun.Dreams like that make me want to turn the world around. To work for a peace that some say will never be found. I listen to hear him challenge the globe, call humanity to strive for something more.Music reaches my soul turning my its' windows painted the deepest colors of emotion into one stain glass door. A door to opportunity  that I need to step through. To get out of my own way and challenge  my own view. Words from his mouth unite not divide, sun shines down and for that two or three minutes I'm listening  the  rain of violence seems to subside.God he says is love and his son the Prince of Peace. His lyrics speak me and I know he cares not about the origin of my beliefs, simply he says with all the swag he can muster, love is the way and for peace I'm a hustler.

.

Analysis of self

I've been n a Criminal Minds kick as of lately. I wonder very much what a behavioral analysis agent would have to say about me. I seem to have this overwhelming need to psycho-analyze myself and discover part of myself through that type of process. Some might say that I am a typical nineteen year old girl who is constantly soul searching. I think that might be right. I develop as a person everyday and to not reflect on the kind of person would be ignorance to the ability to ones self. I've been thinking about it, and here is a bit of what I predict one BSU agent would say about me:

My room: covered in quotes and artificial adds- suggesting that I struggle to get people to see me for who I really am..

My Planner- Might suggest that I am in love with a boy named Peter Pan. I am not in love with Peter. I am in love with everything Never land and Peter Pan symbolize. I want more than anything to achieve my dreams and grow up of only my own free will. My planner might also suggest that I'm extremely goal oriented. I want to point out though that goals can be in accordance with making dreams reality and there is no need to choose between the two.

My Cause: Being passionate about sexual assault awareness might suggest that I have personal ties to the shit. I suppose you don't need to be a behavioral analysis specialist to figure that out.

I suppose I will be a more complete after I continue to live. I feel like I'm searching for something still. Trying to find Neverland. Happy thoughts, fairy dust, flight, headed for the second star on the right and I'm lost in the beauty of the universe.

Today.

The sun is out.
I'm going to the gym.
My grades are due.
I've been selected to travel to Dearborn on a MLK service exchange.
I still haven't heard about the SFC and I'm starting to get a wee bit nervous about it.

I have yet to do research about India and Gender.
I didn't set up too many Christmas decorations
I have yet to meditate or pray.

Over all I'm feeling far better about my life today. I really hope I did well in math; that's my biggest fear as of right now.The fact that that is my biggest fear is an awesome reminder that I am really quite lucky compared to others in the world. So lucky.We will see.

The sun reminds me how progression happens. How things change just enough to make me smile. I miss your smile and your eyes. The sunshine reminds me of you.

Oh boy.

I can't stop thinking about it. I'm doing things I don't want to do to try and put myself in control. It's everywhere to me. Everywhere I want you to be. It's there. I want the feeling you give to take it over.

I think I made one of my very best friends mad at me.

Once again, I cannot wait to go back to MQT. I am very much enjoying my time with Becca though. She really is my sibling soul. <3

I'm confused...the process is complex.

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

I'm doing it again.

I'm making you hate me again. I think you hate my independence, literally hate it. It's becoming such a huge part of me and as it grows so does your hate. Maybe you hate how independent I think I am. I miss the idea of interdependence. I feel it's not idealistic. I feel it's realistic. Our relationship is worth too much.

Oh Dear.

Tomorrow Rebecca, Kyle and I are venturing off to the gym. I miss it very much and cannot wait to work the fuck out. I'm so stressed out about my grades.I'm really glad they come out this week. I really need a fresh start this coming semester. I just hope that is just what I get. I know that I should be careful what I wish for. I'm not wishing that I need to start over. I just want to get some new classes in without having to repeat math. I fucked up. I need to stop being a flake and get down to business.

As for my break goals:

I've been reading my books. I've been spending time with Becca and Mom. I'm joining the  gym tomorrow which is Dec.13th. I watched this news this morning. The station covered the how Obama networked with Bill Clinton to try and get more people in Washington to back the tax program. I thought it was interesting.
I also logged 26 superior edge hours yesterday.
I haven't done any research yet. I also have not done the layout of next semester. I also didn't do the meditation thing quite yet.

I've decided I'm going to give more love and stop abut worrying about being loved. If I give it enough it will come back to me eventually.

What was I thinking?

I am such an idiot. I feel like one. I have no idea how to tell people they are awesome. I'm far too obsessed with saving people. I can't handle it.I think that broken hearts are beautiful. I can't stop. I want to help you. Telling you that you're amazing despite your shattered soul probably wasn't a wonderful idea. You are brilliant though. Sorry.

Goals

I've thought about it and I've decided that it would be a good idea to set goals for break so I feel accomplished at the end instead of like I wasted my time.

Goal One- Expand my relationships with Becca and my mom.
Ob 1 - Spend at least an hour a day trying to have mom and me time;.
Ob 2- Focus on Becca by being patient
Ob 3- Be sure to hand out honest daily compliments to each of them.

Goal Two- Be able to expand my knowledge base despite not being in school
Ob1- Read Two Books-(The Seven Habits and Agnes' book.)
Ob 2- Watch the news a couple times a week
Ob 3- Do some research on Islam and the Middle East

Goal Three- Become a more prepared student
Ob1- Do some research on social psychology, gender and math.  
Ob 2-Layout a schedule for a week next semester compete with an outline of roles.
Ob 3- Set some goals for next semester in conjunction with the SLFP action plan

Goal Four- Exceptional Fitness Level
Ob 1- Join some kind of indoor workout facility by Dec 13th
Ob 2- Work out at least three times a week
Ob 3- Attempt meditation/ prayer
  
These are the goals. =D

By this time tomorrow I will be on the road to Lexington.

If home is...

If home is where the heart is I belong here.

I miss it already. It has been a wonderful day. I hope tomorrow is equally as wonderful.

"All good things are wild and free."- Henry David Thoreau

I want to be good. <3

It's is ridiculous to me that  I will blog about shit like I did yesterday and yet I can't bring myself to really let things go. I can be so proud of everyone else and encourage them to get help and yet here I sit, honestly believing that I don't need it. Shit happens. Move on. Help someone else.It might be easier to face then. Why would I face it at all? It doesn't effect me.

Right? I'm just going to wait and see if the new year celebrations goes off without me wanting to die and decide then.

I have an Student Finance Committee interview  tomorrow. I'm nervous as all get out. I have the greatest fear of disappointing myself again. I'm just going to go in and be myself.

Gender studies minor? I think so. I love this subject.

Very scatter brained. Home in four days. Yep.

Just in case I'm not enough of a freak already...

 I want to hate him for her. I want to physically break him down and watch him beg. I wonder if she does too.I think that if I ever see him again I might just take his ass down.I want to hate him for her too; I don't even know him and I would beat him to a pulp if she said  I could.It's funny how you can do for others what you won't do for yourself.  I remeber being able to weep about it.I can't bring myself to cry real tears about it. I haven't done that in forever. The tears that don't exist make me feel like it doesn't either. I wish they could make me feel like you don't exsist. I wish that your name wasn't in my phone, but I don't want to have to explain to anyone why it isn't there. I avoid hanging out with you like Brett Farve avoids a Packers Game. I can put the miles between us but you'll always be waiting when it's game time. I do not want to play these games anymore. I will gladly retire that number before you have chance to manipulate me again. Remember when we were on the same team you were constiently protecting my blind-side and then all of a suden all you wanted to do was score. I haven't really practiced the defense before. You tackled me down and now soul is sore. It weighs heavy becuse I battled myself justifying your actions...everyone's a sinner. Its' bones shatter with every memory of your lips on mine and every reminder of the taste of the word no being bitter.


Venting. Winter break is coming. Fuck.

Stop.

"Let no one who loves be unhappy, even love unreturned has its rainbow." J.M.Barrie



You are a rainbow.

I miss summer. I'm going back to Lexington this weekend. I don't like to dwell on the past...but last summer was far better than last winter break. I would not be opposed to summer camp every break. <3

Likealittle

Starbucks:Female, Brunette. You came in and sat down and studied for like 10mins and left. Shorter brown/black hair. Black coat with green lines. Brown boots. You're so beautiful and i could look at you all day. I want to. But you don't play that game. :( I cant get you off of my mind.

This was posted on Likealittle.com about the time I was in Starbucks today. Being that I was wearing that coat and those boots and did that ten minutes of studying...one of my friends went on assuming it was about me and showed it to me.I've been to conditioned to think that this kind of thing is a joke. I mean who takes shit seriously.It probably isn't about me. It probably is a joke or a friend of mine trying to make me feel good about myself. Yet, here I am blogging about it. I've been there. When you want to look at someone all day, and they stay on your mind. I've been there. I stay there all the time. The idea that I may be, in the slightest way, on someone's mind like that is almost impossible...almost. 


Sounds almost unattractive doesn't it? My insecurity just siting here in front of my face. All my self-doubt driven deeper inside me because of a beautifully simple post on a website that may or may not even relate to my life. I think it's  my want to love so badlly. Verb:love.I'm not desperate, because that might be what this sounds like. I just like this too much. I just like the concept of being on someone else's mind like you're on mine.

I just wished that this wasn't  what I know it must be...for someone else. It's nothing to be depressed about though. I guess I will do what I'm supposed to do and be flattered and forget about it. Life goes on. 


P.S. The roomate is moving out. I think I'm sad. I don't think I'm supposed to be.