Today

Well. It's December 31st. I've decided that thought this year may have started with the worst experience of my adult life thus far, I have seen and done far too much to reflect simply on that truley awful experience.

A) I went back to NMU. I have come to see that going to college may have been the best decision I have ever made. Going to college in Marquette has validated my beliefs, altered my out look on life, and placed amazing people into my life. The whole concept is a constant reminder of how blessed I have become.

B) My Nana is in my life. Nana is a living breathing reminder of how precious life really is. I do not know how much longer she will be with us, but I believe that she is the most remarkable woman I have ever met in my life. I can say that on a count of my mother was born from her. I am consistently being spoiled by the woman. She is always lending me things and asking for nothing in return. This year in particular she paid the $700 I needed for school. I can't believe what a blessing it is to be born into a family like my own. A family that Nana created and maintained through love and mighty perseverance. I am one of the young ones. I know that I have far less to base the past conclusion on than many others, but  I've seen Nana walk on egg shells for some and use a hard hand for others. She has taken the time and to try and know everyone and in a large family that takes patience. I love her more then I think she will ever know. I thank God she is in my life and hope she continues to be there for a long time.

C) Mom. I love her. If there is one thing I know, it's that that is the one thing the two of us have.

D) Employment.

E) Becca. Reasons to be thankful for Rebecca and Mom are countless, reasons to be frustrated are few. I am lucky to have them both. Becca is just everything to me. I love her as much as a sister could love another. I was thinking about it and a year in the Peace Corps. would mean missing her Bachelor's graduation. She comes first in my life as weird as that is.

F) The beauty of nature.God and science continue to amaze me everyday. The Earth's beauty can bring me to tears. I'm thankful for this amazing spinning ball in space sustaining life for another year. GO PLANET!

Force a smile.

I'm a strong believer in the fake it until you make it policy. I can't seem to get it right. I'm far too aggressive with my beliefs, for this shut up lifestyle. I cannot wait to go home to MQT where things get real on a regular basis. Then again, I'm 19. I know nothing,right? I can fake it. I can fake knowing everything and saying nothing. Just know that in reality I really know far less then you think, and I have far more to say about it. My mind is starving.

Good things.

I'm about to renew my relationship with God. I figure the new year is as good a time as any.
I got to spend some time with Jason, my awesome relative.
I made the SFC. Yes. Something new. Something awesome. YES!
I am eventually going to  be on my way back to MQT! I love it there.
New Year's  is coming. New beginning. I need it.

Unhealthy?

My mom thinks I shouldn't blog.

I understand where she is coming from. I've read the darn thing and I seem kind of crazy. I just can't imagine not writing down the progression of my life. I'm going to continue.Walden wouldn't have been anything special if it wasn't written down and read. Think of all the brilliance I could create.

Not the end of the world.

I remeber the rush of fear I ignored the moment you slammed the door. I remember being suprised at just how stong you were...or how weak  I was. How my pain didn't even seem to kill your buzz. How I couldn't breathe and you didn't care. How your friend came in and stopped you before you ripped off my underwear. I was sick with anger. I litterally wished you would die. You were sorry. I didn't want to look you in the eye. Then all of a sudden I wanted be friends, to forget....I wanted to be able to look at you and not regret. I've never been the kind of person who could just brethe stretch shake and let things go.  I asked you about your life like a actually wanted to know.I stand here knowing things will never be the same. We barley talk and I try not to place the blame...in your hands where my hands once fit....so i put this story...in a rhyme to spit....and forgivness is the only thing between us that is still legit. I forgive you for my the daughter who I might have one day...So when I tell her my story....she'll hear the streagth in my voice when I tell her that she has always has a choice...I forgive you for the future of my one day son...so if he asks me if I have regrets...I can say "no" instead of "just one." Most of all I forgive you for me...because it is what I need to do...can you hear me when I say I forgive you?

The rain drops beat:

On the cracked stain glass windows of my soul. Tap tap tap, Painted the deepest  colors of human emotion distorting the world only enough to make beautiful the ugly reality of  someone who isn't perceiving it  through the same window panes as I..The rain drowned her dreams in screams; instead of her hopes and dreams silencing her fear and giving her a voice.I can't remember how many times i  told her she had a choice.That she did not  live a life in which she had no control. If only I could have found a door I could of  tap tap tapped  into the her mind and knocked down the brick walls that guarded  the broken pieces of her battered soul.I would have picked  them up; I could of put them back together, after all cracked windows are better than that ugly brick wall, cracked windows are better than no windows at all.I believe that her dreams of peace she can now see.A peace she could only wish for, that her presence gave to me. I wish she she would have found an alternative way to set herself free. In her death: lost was love like mine.Though she is gone forever, I still think about her all the time. The only comfort I have is that her soul is no longer stuck behind walls...free as can be her world, anything but small...I can feel her soul and she can see mine, I'm still here in this perfect storm and for me that choice is amazing not just fine... I know she is somewhere being a  beautiful angel, now perfectly divine.   see m I just want her to hear these words and know our shared dream to love the world lives in me wherever I go. I pick up her worldly dream and keep it here in my soul, it reminds me always that peace and love should be the means not just the goal.



My soul dances to the sound of lyrical storms of  passion that thunder from the hip hop underground.Boom Boom Boom.  Violence and poverty seem to pour from the sky, a neighborhood where he doesn't open the door of opportunity because he fears the storm outside.Boom Boom Boom. 17 and sometimes he doesn't go to school because he is afraid, like so many of his boys,  he too will be shot. Sometimes in his world it seems violence is an option and peace is not. In his dreams he sees only one way to destroy his crime flooded fears; one way to make a statement; like a the roots of a tree...life starts below the pavement. Power in his words;his lyrics are fire. Creating a spirit that calls for more than just a peaceful desire.Boom Boom Boom  A hip hop socialist for peace...movement in music form; true to himself his words shine like the sun in a storm.He mixes his words with rhythm brewing is a new musical culture that continues to alter the mainstream norm. Sun soaked dreams so beautiful when he writes  them down. he amazes me when he speaks them out loud. Power for peace creates perfect storm of change as a boom boom boom hip hop sound. His words lay out a plan like Martin Luther King  ..through every truth and every verse I can almost hear peace and  freedom ring. Actions that resonate  hope creates a great sound...Through the rain the sun shines and..he dreams up a world where peace... like love... is a verb and not a simply a noun.Dreams like that make me want to turn the world around. To work for a peace that some say will never be found. I listen to hear him challenge the globe, call humanity to strive for something more.Music reaches my soul turning my its' windows painted the deepest colors of emotion into one stain glass door. A door to opportunity  that I need to step through. To get out of my own way and challenge  my own view. Words from his mouth unite not divide, sun shines down and for that two or three minutes I'm listening  the  rain of violence seems to subside.God he says is love and his son the Prince of Peace. His lyrics speak me and I know he cares not about the origin of my beliefs, simply he says with all the swag he can muster, love is the way and for peace I'm a hustler.

.

Analysis of self

I've been n a Criminal Minds kick as of lately. I wonder very much what a behavioral analysis agent would have to say about me. I seem to have this overwhelming need to psycho-analyze myself and discover part of myself through that type of process. Some might say that I am a typical nineteen year old girl who is constantly soul searching. I think that might be right. I develop as a person everyday and to not reflect on the kind of person would be ignorance to the ability to ones self. I've been thinking about it, and here is a bit of what I predict one BSU agent would say about me:

My room: covered in quotes and artificial adds- suggesting that I struggle to get people to see me for who I really am..

My Planner- Might suggest that I am in love with a boy named Peter Pan. I am not in love with Peter. I am in love with everything Never land and Peter Pan symbolize. I want more than anything to achieve my dreams and grow up of only my own free will. My planner might also suggest that I'm extremely goal oriented. I want to point out though that goals can be in accordance with making dreams reality and there is no need to choose between the two.

My Cause: Being passionate about sexual assault awareness might suggest that I have personal ties to the shit. I suppose you don't need to be a behavioral analysis specialist to figure that out.

I suppose I will be a more complete after I continue to live. I feel like I'm searching for something still. Trying to find Neverland. Happy thoughts, fairy dust, flight, headed for the second star on the right and I'm lost in the beauty of the universe.

Today.

The sun is out.
I'm going to the gym.
My grades are due.
I've been selected to travel to Dearborn on a MLK service exchange.
I still haven't heard about the SFC and I'm starting to get a wee bit nervous about it.

I have yet to do research about India and Gender.
I didn't set up too many Christmas decorations
I have yet to meditate or pray.

Over all I'm feeling far better about my life today. I really hope I did well in math; that's my biggest fear as of right now.The fact that that is my biggest fear is an awesome reminder that I am really quite lucky compared to others in the world. So lucky.We will see.

The sun reminds me how progression happens. How things change just enough to make me smile. I miss your smile and your eyes. The sunshine reminds me of you.

Oh boy.

I can't stop thinking about it. I'm doing things I don't want to do to try and put myself in control. It's everywhere to me. Everywhere I want you to be. It's there. I want the feeling you give to take it over.

I think I made one of my very best friends mad at me.

Once again, I cannot wait to go back to MQT. I am very much enjoying my time with Becca though. She really is my sibling soul. <3

I'm confused...the process is complex.

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

I'm doing it again.

I'm making you hate me again. I think you hate my independence, literally hate it. It's becoming such a huge part of me and as it grows so does your hate. Maybe you hate how independent I think I am. I miss the idea of interdependence. I feel it's not idealistic. I feel it's realistic. Our relationship is worth too much.

Oh Dear.

Tomorrow Rebecca, Kyle and I are venturing off to the gym. I miss it very much and cannot wait to work the fuck out. I'm so stressed out about my grades.I'm really glad they come out this week. I really need a fresh start this coming semester. I just hope that is just what I get. I know that I should be careful what I wish for. I'm not wishing that I need to start over. I just want to get some new classes in without having to repeat math. I fucked up. I need to stop being a flake and get down to business.

As for my break goals:

I've been reading my books. I've been spending time with Becca and Mom. I'm joining the  gym tomorrow which is Dec.13th. I watched this news this morning. The station covered the how Obama networked with Bill Clinton to try and get more people in Washington to back the tax program. I thought it was interesting.
I also logged 26 superior edge hours yesterday.
I haven't done any research yet. I also have not done the layout of next semester. I also didn't do the meditation thing quite yet.

I've decided I'm going to give more love and stop abut worrying about being loved. If I give it enough it will come back to me eventually.

What was I thinking?

I am such an idiot. I feel like one. I have no idea how to tell people they are awesome. I'm far too obsessed with saving people. I can't handle it.I think that broken hearts are beautiful. I can't stop. I want to help you. Telling you that you're amazing despite your shattered soul probably wasn't a wonderful idea. You are brilliant though. Sorry.

Goals

I've thought about it and I've decided that it would be a good idea to set goals for break so I feel accomplished at the end instead of like I wasted my time.

Goal One- Expand my relationships with Becca and my mom.
Ob 1 - Spend at least an hour a day trying to have mom and me time;.
Ob 2- Focus on Becca by being patient
Ob 3- Be sure to hand out honest daily compliments to each of them.

Goal Two- Be able to expand my knowledge base despite not being in school
Ob1- Read Two Books-(The Seven Habits and Agnes' book.)
Ob 2- Watch the news a couple times a week
Ob 3- Do some research on Islam and the Middle East

Goal Three- Become a more prepared student
Ob1- Do some research on social psychology, gender and math.  
Ob 2-Layout a schedule for a week next semester compete with an outline of roles.
Ob 3- Set some goals for next semester in conjunction with the SLFP action plan

Goal Four- Exceptional Fitness Level
Ob 1- Join some kind of indoor workout facility by Dec 13th
Ob 2- Work out at least three times a week
Ob 3- Attempt meditation/ prayer
  
These are the goals. =D

By this time tomorrow I will be on the road to Lexington.

If home is...

If home is where the heart is I belong here.

I miss it already. It has been a wonderful day. I hope tomorrow is equally as wonderful.

"All good things are wild and free."- Henry David Thoreau

I want to be good. <3

It's is ridiculous to me that  I will blog about shit like I did yesterday and yet I can't bring myself to really let things go. I can be so proud of everyone else and encourage them to get help and yet here I sit, honestly believing that I don't need it. Shit happens. Move on. Help someone else.It might be easier to face then. Why would I face it at all? It doesn't effect me.

Right? I'm just going to wait and see if the new year celebrations goes off without me wanting to die and decide then.

I have an Student Finance Committee interview  tomorrow. I'm nervous as all get out. I have the greatest fear of disappointing myself again. I'm just going to go in and be myself.

Gender studies minor? I think so. I love this subject.

Very scatter brained. Home in four days. Yep.

Just in case I'm not enough of a freak already...

 I want to hate him for her. I want to physically break him down and watch him beg. I wonder if she does too.I think that if I ever see him again I might just take his ass down.I want to hate him for her too; I don't even know him and I would beat him to a pulp if she said  I could.It's funny how you can do for others what you won't do for yourself.  I remeber being able to weep about it.I can't bring myself to cry real tears about it. I haven't done that in forever. The tears that don't exist make me feel like it doesn't either. I wish they could make me feel like you don't exsist. I wish that your name wasn't in my phone, but I don't want to have to explain to anyone why it isn't there. I avoid hanging out with you like Brett Farve avoids a Packers Game. I can put the miles between us but you'll always be waiting when it's game time. I do not want to play these games anymore. I will gladly retire that number before you have chance to manipulate me again. Remember when we were on the same team you were constiently protecting my blind-side and then all of a suden all you wanted to do was score. I haven't really practiced the defense before. You tackled me down and now soul is sore. It weighs heavy becuse I battled myself justifying your actions...everyone's a sinner. Its' bones shatter with every memory of your lips on mine and every reminder of the taste of the word no being bitter.


Venting. Winter break is coming. Fuck.

Stop.

"Let no one who loves be unhappy, even love unreturned has its rainbow." J.M.Barrie



You are a rainbow.

I miss summer. I'm going back to Lexington this weekend. I don't like to dwell on the past...but last summer was far better than last winter break. I would not be opposed to summer camp every break. <3

Likealittle

Starbucks:Female, Brunette. You came in and sat down and studied for like 10mins and left. Shorter brown/black hair. Black coat with green lines. Brown boots. You're so beautiful and i could look at you all day. I want to. But you don't play that game. :( I cant get you off of my mind.

This was posted on Likealittle.com about the time I was in Starbucks today. Being that I was wearing that coat and those boots and did that ten minutes of studying...one of my friends went on assuming it was about me and showed it to me.I've been to conditioned to think that this kind of thing is a joke. I mean who takes shit seriously.It probably isn't about me. It probably is a joke or a friend of mine trying to make me feel good about myself. Yet, here I am blogging about it. I've been there. When you want to look at someone all day, and they stay on your mind. I've been there. I stay there all the time. The idea that I may be, in the slightest way, on someone's mind like that is almost impossible...almost. 


Sounds almost unattractive doesn't it? My insecurity just siting here in front of my face. All my self-doubt driven deeper inside me because of a beautifully simple post on a website that may or may not even relate to my life. I think it's  my want to love so badlly. Verb:love.I'm not desperate, because that might be what this sounds like. I just like this too much. I just like the concept of being on someone else's mind like you're on mine.

I just wished that this wasn't  what I know it must be...for someone else. It's nothing to be depressed about though. I guess I will do what I'm supposed to do and be flattered and forget about it. Life goes on. 


P.S. The roomate is moving out. I think I'm sad. I don't think I'm supposed to be.

Facebook

I have no idea why I even waste my time on facebook. I think I want the social interaction to make me feel better about my relationships with people. That notion is a joke. Facebook is pointless.

Dear Passion for Life,

I am so happy to see you. I will handle these two final weeks and then maybe we can spend a couple days together before I go home. A hike maybe. I cannot wait.

Love Always,

Hailey M Schroeder

X marks the spot.

I hope to find adventure.
I'm going back to MQT for two weeks.
I want more than anything to feel like I have lived in these next two weeks. I need to fulfill my need for adventure. I want to explore the deepest parts of desires. I will tell you of your extraordinary ability to write. I will not hesitate to confront you on your ability to be remarkable. I think I might be afraid to die because I feel I haven't had the courage to live. I will find it, I just need a map.

I have one.

Last Star

I feel like I have so much to say and then I can't think of anything at all.  I want to be passionate about something again. I feel like I've misplaced every ounce of passion I have ever posessed and returned home to be someone else.

I hate myself for thinking I'm someone else at all. If I have a passion for anything it is being who I am.

We are who we are.

To be alive is  simple concept and yet a beautifully complex adventure. I just want to live. It sounds like I'm trapped which is the opposite of what is. I'm stationary in a open space. I think that is what is so perplexing. I want to be free to fly like Peter Pan. I just need to go back to a place like Neverland, to put it in my soul and keep it there. I feel like I've lost my shaddow and  I need it back.

"To live would be an awfully big adventure." -Peter Pan

 I can't tell if I'm running away from the start or for the finish. What is beautiful about a trail run is that I am free to blaze my own trail and trek at my own pace.The only person I  run for or against is myself.

 Running is my expession of pure selfishness. I cannot indure the thought of ever running to please another. The action of running has a level of control I lust to feel in the bottom of my stomach. The pain and pleasure extened into my soul further than I could have ever imagined.

The Statue of Liberty

Today I thought about how many times I mention the impact of the amazing people on my life. I mention people specifically all the time. I'm worried one day someone will come to me and wonder why I am so specific. I talk about the same people all the time. I figure the remarkable people are like the landmarks of my soul's journey through life. If I see the Statue of Liberty, I wouldn't simply explain that I visited a statue. I would go on and explain how much I enjoyed my visit to New York and that I saw the Statue of Liberty in all her glory. I went to the very top and I felt as if I was a small part of our nation's history. That is how my soul feels about people. When I converse with someone awesome it is a big deal. The true enjoyment is the  whole experience of being around him or her.

Unlike monuments though people are reactive and change rapidly. I love that every time I run into someone it's like I'm visiting a monument for the first time. I know its' history and yet it's the first time I've seen it up close. I know my friends. I watch them grow as human beings and yet everything that happens makes seeing them exciting. The trials of daily life are truly fascinating to me. I may just be normal in that sense  though.

It should be an interesting four days. My family too never fails to fascinate me. it's been just over thirty six hours and though I am not rushing the break I am looking forward to my short return to MQT.

10/19.2010

Today I learned that fybromialga is often the diagnosis after failed attempts to tell a person why they are in pain so often.
I also learned that some beautiful people I know are having some serious type issues with certain aspects of their lives. I believe that hugs really do help people. I believe that lesson was really delivered to me by a red headed friend of mine named Chelsea English. Chelsea is awesome and gives the great hugs. Other awesome hug givers I know include Kate Startori, Justine,Dim,Megan P, Agnes,Renee and Becca. All of these people have had some kind of impact on my life. It is clear to me that I might like hugging them because of that impact. Anyway...

Today  I may have said the phrase "and I was like," to some pretty important people. Note to self- read more books, become smarter and then reflect intelligence with speaking skills.

Seattle Poetry Slam - Queen Sheba

                              



I went to a lecture about acting aggressively against sexual assault last spring. The talk was given by Joshua Daniel Phillips who is a graduate of Central Michigan University. At the beginning of the talk he asked us to think about four women we cared about very much. We had several minutes to really reflect to ourselves about why it was we cared for these women. I thought of two members of my family and two friends of mine; these of course being four people that I really do care for. He then told us that of the four women we had thought of at least one has or will be abused in her life time.

This poem reminded me of the the way I felt when I heard that statistic. Every two minutes someone is America is raped...EVERY TWO MINUTES. That does not reflect all the sexual assaults that aren't rape and still change the lives of the people who experience them

My mentor for the Student Leaders Fellowship Program,Ann Sherman, is writing a grant to stop sexual assault and stalking  on campus. I think it is awesome that she is using her positional power and  actively seeking change. In addition to all of the grant stuff that is still in the works,Self Acceptance week is  in April and I'm thrilled. I know I've said it a million times, but Women for Women is truly awesome and I'm outrageously thankful for all of the opportunities to take action and raise awareness about all these things that I really care about.    

In case anyone actually reads this....W4W is walking around campus and having a type of candle light vigil to give a voice to the silenced Monday the 18th of October starting at 9:30 in the Payne/Halvy courtyard.It's going to be powerful. &lt;3

I need to improve my verbal skills.

Dear Blog,
I am so critical of myself it is unreal. .People surely find it annoying. I think I'm going to make a list of my weaknesses and ways to change them. I'm not quite sure if that is at all counter productive.We shall see. One of the reasons I'm so down is because I didn't go to church today. I think I'm going to go on Tuesday. I feel badly though because I want to go so I will start feeling better about my life. I am not in a very good place right now spiritually. I'm going to pray tonight before I go to sleep and hope that will bring God and I closer.

On a lighter note. I want to list some of the things I am thankful for.

Dear God,
Thank you for the following:
Dancing(the best thing ever)
My friends from the Vu
My Mom and Becca (The best friend I have for life)
The fall breeze
Megan P(who saved my life during study group for GN100)  
The ability to improve 
Angie Chavez ( drunk hugs)
House and Hall Gov
Higher Ed. (NMU)
My jobs
The learning process
There are a bunch of others. These just applied to today. =D

Almost forgot.
Here are two ways I'm reaching my goals:
I went to my study group today.
I ran for house president and won.

Here are two ways I need to improve:
I need to become better at speaking to small groups ( today I had a thought I had a really hard time expressing)
I did not work out today.

Here is one more way I am in the process of achieving:
Today I had an idea in hall government and I actually said it aloud. The best part about that is that people did not shoot it down.

Okay so I must do homework now. Thanks for listening. <3

Found this in the corner of my mind.

I saw you today. I saw you smile and I saw you cry.I saw you dance I heard you tell a little lie. When you smiled love, I smiled too. I do my best not to stare directly at the perfection that is you. Instead I look up into the sky.Where I want to see your hopes and dreams but all I can see is shades of blue. Like your eyes on the days the aren't grey or geen.Someday I'll go away and people wil ask me what wonders I've seen.I don't care if they don't understand what I mean, when I tell them I saw you. .
 

Stress.

Hey Blog,

I am really stressed out. I have a Psychology exam tomorrow and I'm falling a bit behind in math. I think I need to spend more time away from the dorm and more time in the library. That is my new strategy. I think i might lower my course load a bit next semester.Anyway, I miss blogging terribly and figured I would give you a shout out before my class.
 I wanted to  be hall secretary. I failed at that. I want to be house President, and now I am doubting my own capabilities because of the competition being created in my suite. I am far to competitive for all of this. I wonder what kind of  direction God's Plan will take me in because it certainly was not  what I was expecting. We shall see won't we.


 HAHAI

Started out Nothing ended about love.

I am nothing. Nothing but dust...to dust I will return. One day my body will burn and ash I will become. I wonder who will be sad as people do. If my death would have an effect on anyone at all. That's when I stop wondering about me. I mostly wonder about who would be there to keep my mother standing and not let her fall.. When I think about leaving my sister it brings me to tears. I couldn't live without but having to leave her is what I fear...the most about leaving this world behind...I have so many goals of all kinds. i want to travel the world and walk where Jesus did.I understand that if i die I could walk with him...but I just want to live, travel and give. I worry about leaving you too my love...but with any luck the lord above will give me many a chance to see your beautiful face. We can dance all night. When I'm with you I don't feel the need to set the pace. I love the way your eyes change color and the way you talk with your hands. I love the curl in your toes and the way you leave your mouth open if you are really thinking....The way that you laugh after everything and how you can't catch me blinking...when your around that's when I live...my love my love...all i want to give.

I haven't a clue about this.

I'm Back in MQT!!! I love it here. I'm so happy to be home. Welcoming Crew is going rather well.The lobby looks great and Kate and RD Amy seem rather pleased. The new staff...oh man. Have we stumbled upon some of the crazies.

Kevin from Ice House...Eloquent and intelligent. Simply one of the most fascinating people I have ever met in my life.

 I'm so excited to be back and start things up. I let you know how tomorrow goes. HAHAI

PS I went for a run in the rain and loved it.

This is the amazing staff I worked with this summer at YWCA camp Cavell. It was a really great experience. Diversity was probably our biggest obstacle. Our differences in time, seemed to became our greatest strength.   

Dear Blog,

I foolishly thought that college had made me a stronger, braver, less emotional person. I was wrong. I simply have less frustration at school. I think I left part of my soul in mqt and I hope to feel more like myself once I get back there. I feel like everyone stuck in this town is miserable. I've heard people talk about how much being home means to them, or how much they don't want to leave;but everyone I talk to seems to not know what they want from their own lives. It's like dreams can't even live here.

I'm afraid to ask my mom what she wants from her life now. Mostly because I'm afraid of what she might say. I haven't a clue what my dad wants, I'm not sure he would telll me if I asked him. I want to live and be loved. I think that is mostly what everyone wants and needs. I haven't got a clue how to  help my mom. I feel like all I can do is what she asks. Sometimes I even fail at that. I want to see her really healthy and happy again. God works wonders and I hope he can help her heal. I don't want this blog to sound like my mother is sad and I cant get her out of it, because she smiles and laughs sometimes. I'm just afraid to leave her alone and miserable. I hope she will find a way to be happy again. Jesus will help her.

I want to shine like the sun and roll like a stone <3 Mqt here I come <3

Dearest Blog,

God's blessings are chasing me down and surrounding me. I have met some of the most amazing people as of recently. Erin Tafoya is my boss and she is, without a doubt, one of the coolest people on the planet. I also had lots of awesome campers last week. Scribbles and Princess were some pretty  awesome CIT's  from last week, two very different young ladies who are already doing wonderful things in their lives. It is amazing how much I care for the people who i come across at camp. It has been such an a great job.

With that said I must tell you that I was given this week off. Simply because we are low on campers and it was my turn to be given a week off. I think that god has given me  blessing by awarding me sometime to spend at home. I needed time to get ready for school so here I am.

Mom is having me pack up my room so we can rent out the house. = ( This goes into that " God's Plan" file in my mind. We shall see.

Two weeks from this very day I will be in MQT =D

Dearest Blog,

My life has twists and turns that erode my image and personality. The largest of those forces is my camp job. This past week brought many challenges and rewards. The greatest thing about it of course is knowing that all of my campers enjoyed themselves.

I enjoyed the mud hike and camp out night. My own personal accomplishment was being ready to pick up my pack out on time =D  My boss called me thinking she had to remind us all and yet I was already on my way there.  Secondly I didn' t fail completely at the home sick camper bit. I was happy to have had such a unique and wonderful group of campers.

Also...there is a game called frog murderer. This of course reminded me of  my dear former RA. Oh how I miss Halverson.

I am thankful for each day.

Blog,
Staff Camp Rocked.

Everyone on staff seems wonderful to me. We spent two days in the woods, which became a difficult experience. It was a great experience, though everyone was ready to cme home after a whole two days without cell service. The bugs were the worst part and the people were the best.I learned how to build a fire.
I'm also now CPR  certified.

It is wonderful wonderful wonderful. <3 I get my own room today. I'm fairly nervous about the campers coming. I hope this new week does away with most of those nerves.

My Aid came in for school, thank Jesus. <3

Such a life I lead. HAHAI <3

Camp. ???? =D

Blog! Tomorrow is my first day working at camp on the offical. <3 Here are some of the questions that are racing through my head as a prepare for this day of days.

A) Will I be the last to arrive?
B) Where will we sleep?
C) Have I over packed?
D) Have I under packed?
E) What will the girls be like?
F) Should I be scared?
G) Will I be able to do things right?

Most of all...What will I learn form this?

Oh Blog. I trust that God wants this for me. I trust that I will be sent people and things that will make this quite an adveture. I have faith that challenges will be tackled and that this will be a good thing. One Love.

Dearest Blog,

I'm thinking about writing some spoken word for Hear Us Roar.

These words are audible notions of opaque emotion. Rhymes smooth like lotions, because Captin isn't a love potion, and unconsented sex can't heal you of suicidal mental erosion.It is a coward who tries not to remeber his actions so his guilt might reduce. Blames it on those booze blames it on that hard juice. i am anything but  sorry that I will not surrender to that lazy ass exscuse.I have come to see that your actions of sexual assult were nothing if not a result of intellectual abuse....and neglect. like when you put everything i ever ment to you on a tape and hit eject...allowing you to ignore my objection..is pride that woudn't let me go or let you feel  the sting of rejection. I can't spend my life being your personal cheering section.i can forgive but i will never forget. How you cried me about that time you almost killed yourself..and then bcause I didn't want t have sex with you yelled and got upset. should have known, that is what I've kicked myself for... that a laugh when I tried to get way from a hug might lead to you pinning me down on the floor.

This is what I have thus far. It sounds better spoken.

-Hailey

Here is an actual spoken word artist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuAbGJBvIVY

change

Dear Blog,

Things are ever changing.

One week left until camp starts. =D  I am very pleased. I regret to tell you that my dear friend Cole can no longer work there with me. She is going away to a place called Mercy Ministries. Mercy is a place where you try to heal what ever problem you may have through Christ. Nicole is depressed and I am happy she has this new hope to live on.

I read this book called The Shack. It was wonderful. It is just a great as the Last Lecture: both are on my list of must haves.

Mom's pain is getting worse. I am afraid to leave her here alone. Sometimes she cries out when we are here and I haven't a clue how to make it stop. I don't want t think abut the amout of crying she may do if no one is here to comfort her. I 'm asking God to take care of her. I know that he loves her. If he won't take it away I just pray that he reminds her that he loves her like I love her.

Becca is going away to CMU. She is very much ready to leave. I am happy for her.

Missing Home?

I'm in New Buffalo at the Grand Beach in with my family. It's a block away from Lake Michigan which reminds me of  Superior and how much I miss MQT. I miss it like I miss kindergarden. New and exciting feelings, friends, and love are all things that I find in MQT. I have to keep reminding myself that I am here now and that I shouldn't be mourning for Northern too much. I am glad to be home.

This blog is turning out to be a bit of a bust.

I have a new job- I am now employed by Camp Cavell in Lexington. It is a phenomenal experience. My friend Nicole has a job there as well. I've decided that working together might bring us closer. I hope it stregthens our friendship because it wil be such a wonderful time. If this is not the case, however, we will battle through.

My sister Rebecca is graduating tomorrow. I am not at my friend kyle's at this very moment because I worry about intruding on their "seniority." I am pretty jazzed for tomorrow though.

This devil town makes me feel like I am not myself. I feel far from home. I can't wait t be in mqt again, though I will miss one Lindsay Sparks; Lindsay Sparks being Halverson's old RD and one of the motivated souls I have ever met. I am very excited about WC and cannot wit to see what it is that this year has in store for me. That is mostly how I feel about everyday; I cannot wait to see what life brings. I think what is a matter is that I can predict what is in store to easily here I think I will shake things up tomorrow...even if it is just slightly.

Hello Blog,
I just wanted to say that I miss the UP and MQT.

I have also been contemplating the lyrics of this Ke$ha song "Blah Blah Blah." It objectifies men as sex toys. As everyone knows the music industry is full of sexual undertones.The objectification of human beings is nothing new. This song objectifies men and there are hundreds of others that objectify women. My question is what progress, if any is being made to stop this disrespect of the body. Should I stop listening to Ke$ha because she does what other artists have been doing for years? Do I stop buying music that objectifies anyone...is that even possible. I love music. I love to dance. What do I refuse? The song is not about assault.It is about a girl who wants to have sex with a man who is clearly trying to talk her up. Is this mutual disrespect. I'm just saying that if I continue to allow people to treat me like an object than what is stopping them from using me like an object. I do not ask a chair before I sit  in it. A person is a person and we shouldn't loose sight of that.

A shit ton has happened since I last blogged so here goes nothing.

1. I applied to be a camp counsler for seven or eight weeks of summer.
       I want to do this so bad it hurts.The camp is like ten minutes away from my house,but I am sure it would be like going to another world. I want to do it so badly. One of my summer goals is help someone realize that they need only to believe in who they are.
2. My father is going to be home for the summer.
        Gross. Drama. Gross.

3. I've come to grips with aspects of my sexuality.
           Mostly I've come to grips with the fact that my sexuality is mine and I can leave it undefined.

4. I am capable of the kind of love that makes people crazy.
    

Share Our Documentary - Official Store - TOMS Shoes - A Pair of New Shoes is Given to a Child in Need With Every Pair Purchased - One for One - TOMSshoes.com

Share Our Documentary - Official Store - TOMS Shoes - A Pair of New Shoes is Given to a Child in Need With Every Pair Purchased - One for One - TOMSshoes.com
Read It. Love It. Live It.
This is the TOMS company that I was talking about. I love them. 

These are the TOMS I want. TOMS is a organization that gives a pair of shoes to someone in need every time they sell a pair.I would love to work for a company like TOMS someday.  It's because of companies like this one that I believe there is still hope for corprate America. Buisness is not the enemy; greed is the enemy. Love can heal all.

I am:
Fascinated by almost all aspects of social issues.
A logical thinker
opinionated and open minded
way to concered about being judged
Catholic
A Nasty *name given by agnes because I can go without a shower
my mother's daughter
loud and then silent
awkward
sexual
nervous
loving
hardly ever wearing pants 
rough
forever changing
friendly
attracted to sturdiness and genuine smiles
a leader
a follower
not gracful

The thing that has become quite real to me this year is how much I could change: I could change the world,myself and another person. I am all of these things but like life, they are subject to change.I am undefined in my own mind. Everyday that passes changes who I am and what I will become.Change is what makes me love my life.I am Hailey and happy about it.   

Self Acceptance week left me in thought, as I was sure that it would. Hear Us Roar was an extraordinary event.I think that the message of sexual assault awareness was made loud and clear.It was extremely powerful and the effort that went into it was evident in all kinds of ways.It was the kind of thing that caused me to want to make myself a hard ass.It is unfortunate that I am sometimes so obviously vulnerable and weak.This is a part of myself that I must learn to accept.As I learned from the enlightening quiz, I should work a bit on this entire concept.  

I have the worst fear of returning home. I am surley going to miss MQT.

 Penny is one of my personal hero's. I don't think I have ever met anyone with the same amount of silent strength that she has. She reminds me quite a bit of Nicole.

Chelsea English is another person who is stronger then anyone cares to notice. She has a true sense of self that never fails to amaze me.

More Dubs for Dubs

It's Self-Acceptance Week! Women for Women,my favorite organization, is putting on a number of powerful events that I am beyond excited about.The first is the real student body blog, which I follow. The second is a speech by Megan's Mom, a counselor at Ferris State. Honestly I can't wait to see what this woman has to say. Let's face it, it takes a hell of a lady to raise an intellectual bad ass  like Megan P.The third and possibly most powerful event is a reader's Theater entitled Hear Us Roar. Lina, the woman taking the wheel for this event seems to be have an outrageous amount of passion for the message of sexual assault awareness that this event will radiate.The girls who are reading seem to be really into it and enthusiasm for a project,if used correctly, always leads to a powerful outcome.I cannot wait to see what kind of reactions that self-acceptance week brings back to Dubs  for Dubs and NMU in general.

 I accept myself for who I am.I am happy to be myself and that is what i want for other people. This week will empower people to accept themselves. I hope also that in finding acceptance of ourselves we find a way to accept others for who they are. As always i am hahai..

Life,age,spirit.

I need to have a spiritual awakening. I was reflecting on my sins today, and I just do not know what to  do. I am one of those guilty feeling types and sometimes it make me dislike myself. I know that when we sin God doesn't strike us down.If we are truly sorry we can be forgiven.I depened on these principles, I live by them. I think that is the worst kind of sin there is.I wish I knew how to be ingnorant to sin sometimes. Go about living and feeling just fine after I do something that is noted by the church as sin.I cannot. I do not know how to change it. I don't even know if I would if that kind of thing was possible.

I can never seem to get my thinking and my soul n the same place. Mentally I often feel ignorant like a child, even innocent and inexperienced when it comes to important adult things.I feel old in my soul sometimes, just waiting for something more. Then at times I feel old in my thinking, like it's time to be young and free and I am trapted inside a wall of overwhelming responsibility and fear of failure. I am young in my soul at these times, watching the world in all its' wonder, wanting to live,to touch and be touched. Crazy how I can never quite get the two to balance, my mind and my soul. Maybe I should invest in some yoga, or a good spiritual awakening. Conflicted in age. I believe that a person is only as old as they want to be, I have yet to discover what age I am in spirit so I supose this theory is of little use to me.

Alright. Enough complaing. Here is a list of things I am quite thankful for:

My Mom
My Sister
Coach Davis and Drummond
 A strong belief in love
My education
The people who I have been blessed to meet  this year
Forgivness

The List.

The Olympics are over.Team  USA didn't win the hockey final. Boo. I've put going to the olympics on my bucket list. Not as an athlete of course,but just to be there and be a part  the whole experience.It's on the list. I've also decided to put coaching on my bucket list. I know that isn't a normal "bucket list" item,but I've decided that it is really important that I do it, thus it is one the list.

hahai

dubs for dubs.

I am now a consider myself  a Pepin in a world of fields and sprints.

Explanation: Pepin was my bald soccer coach.The world is vast like a field. We have to sprint and hustle. Go big or Go home.

Long story short.Women for Women had a hair drive and Penny Smith and I shaved our heads for it. Penny is awesome.I was leaning in the direction of not shaving my head, and her decision influenced me enough that I reconsidered. I just wanted to make a difference in a child's life.There is no telling if the simple act of cutting off my hair will actually make a difference, but  I hope it does.Everyone keeps calling me a hero, it's  hard for me to see myself like that. I mean don't get me wrong I want to be a hero, I just have a really hard seeing myself in that way. I really just sat there.

I was on TV. I sounded like a Valley Girl. Note to self : stop saying totally.I'm going to attempt to sound a bit more intelligent as the semester continues.

Women For Women is slowly becoming my favorite organization on campus.I just have this deep belief in what it stands for.It's funny how college does that to people.


Becca thinks I'm a Hippie that cares about peace and changing the world. She says I am turning into someone new. The thing is  that I do not want to be anyone else.I can't be anyone else.I'm just Hailey, the girl who wants to change the world, be accepted and live my her own standards of success. Just me...hahai.

p.s.

The process was kinda gross.    

   

  

 

The results are beautiful. 

HAHAI.

Rebecca

This is Becca. She is my amazing younger sister. She has made me the person I am in so many ways I feel I could never ever write them all down .Being at college has put a whole eight hours between my life and her's. It is outrageously difficult to be without her. I am trying as hard as I can to be there for her through the trials and tribulations of her senior year year of high school, but I feel like I am missing a ton. I think that as we both grow into different people, we are trying desperately to stay close together. I am trying my hardest to develop into someone that people can trust, learn from and have fun with.SHe is the reason I want to be that way. I remember always that she is my first priority.Rebecca is my partner in crime,my best friend. My sister really is my whole world sometimes. I couldn't be there for her today at districts and I'm not sure how I can handle that. Even when she isn't here she is in my laugh and in my heart. She is this huge part of me.We may not always get along and she may want different things out of this life then I do,but at the end of the day we are sisters .She has my heart. <3 forever.

Collectively today was not amazing. Though today I  did discover some amazing things about people I know.

1) If I am a having a terrible day, which never happens, my kind English teacher allows me to leave class early.
2) My friend Agnes and roommate Kim are really quite good at helping put myself back together.
3) Sometimes it real does help to talk about it. Sometimes.
4) If Megan P. was a dog she would always be wagging her tail.
5) I will be on SOS.. Not this year, but I will I promise.
6) The quiet girl is the bravest girl I know.

As you can probably tell today kinda snowballed into a bad day.Then I found my ID, talked to my roommate and Agnes,had a two minute conversation with a friend, and pulled myself back to a place where I can find a smile in this shit day. It is okay. I will do great things.

This is Nicole Maxwell. She is the prettiest girl I know.I would not be who I am without her. I am not saying that I am the greatest person ever,but most of the things that make me awesome are the reasons she is amazing. When she laughs I want to laugh and when she cries I want to cry.I consider myself as weak and she is strong.She has real joy in her laugh and a beautiful soul. She is humble and even when she falls apart, it is the most beautiful collection of broken pieces I have ever seen. I miss and love her.

" Real friends are the people who walk into your life and no matter what happens never walk out."

Today.

Today I again felt the need to read, listen and know everything. If there is one thing that I have been feeling an incredible amount of lately it is the need to expand the walls of my mind and open my soul.I want so badly to be brilliant. I have met a couple of people who I consider beyond brilliant.They never fail to amaze me. i wonder how they have done it. I was told once by a brilliant one, perhaps the most intellectual of all the brilliant ones, that I too was brilliant.Unknowingly this this person gave me a confidence unlike anything else I have felt before. She has changed my life and for that I am forever thankful to her.This is the type of confidence I want to be able to bestow in people with my degree in psychology.I don't exactly have a plan yet,I just know that I want to get people excited about living their lives, to make people believe in all that they are capable of.

Somedays...

Some days I feel like I could conquer the whole entire world. It has happened a whole bunch lately. I spent all of last week feeling amazing.I felt like I was capable of anything. I feel this way because of someone truly amazing. I look at them and I see uncommon perfection.I see faith, I see greatness, I see acceptance and strength.It isn't even that I want to be this person.This person makes me feel like I could be an awesome person as myself, like I am special. I want more then anything to be able to effect people like that, to make everyone feel like they can take on the world.I want to make people feel like I am personally rooting for them without saying a word. For Love...I Am...HAHAI

Happy are those.

I,Hailey Schroeder, have a bunch of questions. Today's question is...

Why am I so lucky?

I am one of the lucky ones. I am in college, which I love. Opportunity after opportunity has been thrown at me. I am encouraged by my peers and criticized only by those who truly care for me. I have had the pleasure of meeting really amazing people,so many I cannot even begin to count. I am sometimes so completely overwhelmed with love for my life I do not want to rest. I want to blog about everything I love, my love of music, my cry for acceptance, my shoes, my amazing roommate and my belief in the truth.I believe that in the truth we can find beauty and change.This blog is look into my story. A story that is undefined, unpredictable, and some what insignificant.I am Hailey because I choose to be.I will be great because I chose to be. Everyday is mine.I choose to live this life, to be myself and never be afraid to color out side the lines.