A Servent Not a Superhero

"Our students are more than test scores, graduation rates, and disciplinary issues. They are the babies that parents prayed for and over and read to and work for and dream about. They are people who want the best for themselves whether or not they know how to articulate it or how to seek it out. Our education is more than the failure rhetoric and the achievement gap misnomer. Our problems are systemic, and endemic, but THEY WILL BE SOLVED BY PEOPLE: resilient people, unrelenting people with an edge."

 " The most important thing for you to do is to invite and invest colleagues who are already here, to work alongside the strength and capability that exists right now. Encourage and inspire people to enhance what we already know and what we already do so that we can make it better together. Look for strengths. They are here. You aren't bringing light and hope. The hope is here. Walk in it."

This is text taken from the speech given by Camika Royal, PhD. at the Philadelphia Teach for America 2012 Institute Opening Ceremony.These are my immediate, slightly ignorant, maybe too humanistic,  thoughts in response to text:

What mature, clearly bright, controversial thing to say to a group of bright eyed, bushy tailed, twenty-somethings hoping to change a community.  I personally observe that I  have given myself a little too much credit at times, thinking that the things I do will bring hope and light into someone's life, as is maybe the biggest down fall of our often over achieving, service driven, internally cocky generation. An attitude that, I do believe, often lends its' self to goal obtainment regardless of it's pitfalls. I find sometimes walking around  pretending I can save the planet by picking up litter makes the rate at which I  pick up said litter go up, then it could be argued that I should pretend I superman for sake of the environment. The problem is that sometimes when I put on my cape I actually start believing I can fly and that is impossible without the help of someone else and there resources. I, often thankfully, am not superwoman.

If I have learned anything it all is that I am not the beckon of hope that I want to be. I am  only a friend, a teacher, a lover, a student, a fellow human being who's true passion lies in being as resilient and  remarkable as the people around me. I think this speech is beautiful because it is the hard truth about servant leadership and I'm really glad to have heard such an eye opening perspective.

I Love this City

Seth and may are coming back to Marquette ;) I think  this could be just what I need.

Grow,Tree. Grow.

Text to my mother on  May 9, 2012:

Today marks a year since I "came out" to you. I feel as if we have both grown significantly since that time. Please know that I am thankful to have you in my life and know that you love me. I love you.

Text from my mother later that day:

Thank-you sweetie. I'm so lucky to have you in my life and I never try to take that blessing for granted. You and Boo mean the world to me.

I am and always have been my own rock, but without strong people by my side I am unsure just how much I would be able to handle.

I  would like to  to salute myself for gathering the courage to do what I did then. I  keep listening to May Erlewine's Love Labor Album over and over again. I really cannot believe how much her  music has gotten me through, like back when the waters were not so calm with my mother and through the disappointments and victories of last semester. The lyrics that keep resounding in my head speak to how my soul can grow if I tell myself the truth. I just want to applaud myself how honest I have been with my own character as of lately. I am doing truly well.

Merp.

"Let's talk about it." The words I use all the time when hat I really mean is, "Let's talk about you." My other personal expression."It's fine." When I say that what I really mean is, " Let's talk about all the people that are effecting me in ways that are more about them than about me."

Here is how I really feel.

I cannot believe that we are this close. I am one of those floating on he river of friendship until I drown kind of people, and I really can't tell you how rough the waters are. If I thought rivers could make waves this one would. The current  is incredible. I pulls  closer to the people that I love and I can't stop it try as I might.

Again with the confidence.

If my twitter said what I really wanted it to it might say:

I just ate a very large piece cake. #whatwasithinking

Alas, I really shouldn't worry about it that much should I? But I do don't I? Isn't that a hard hitting reality about my perception of myself. I just want to write an apology letter to my body, and tell her how much I appreciate her putting up with all of my bullshit. She is so much stronger than me.

Loosing

"I just don't know if you're good enough anymore."

or

"I just don't know if we're good enough anymore."

I'm not really sure what my mother said. I don't think it matters. I'm tired of all this talk about expectations. She is good enough and she can stop telling me that I'm not, she is doing far more damage than good. No wonder I need help finding myself. Can I blame her for that? Poor Robin, I should have told her about my self-concept. I should have told her this would happen. I feel pathetic. I wish conversations with the people who love me would help. Merp. 

As if this is what it sounds like.

I've been at home for a minute now, laying in the sunshine of your blue eyes. I've been dancing with you to the sound of a poor hipster's guitar for almost a month, but despite foreign language that your body speaks to me I still smile as if I understand you. I haven't been this confused in a while. My gut aches with shame and I can't tell if this despicable game is even fun for you anymore. I wish time could heal everything. I don't think I've ever wanted to sink or swim this much. I'm in the ocean and I can't find anyone who might hear the echo in my voice that would bounce off the cliffs of my broken heart.

Well isn't this ironic?

A Sad Story.

I called him last night and as the phone was ringing I wrote dramas in my head about what this conversation might sound like.

"I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate the my thoughts are running laps around the same damn scene that doesn't include anything  but the monster you have become in my subconscious".

"What?"

"You remember don't you? Because I certainly do. Everyday I can't help but think about the things I can't say to anyone who would understand. I hate you. I think most of all I hate that I don't always hate you, but I want you to go on thinking you disgust me. What you did does make my insides want to jump out of my stomach. I hate that sometimes I remember saying things I thought I would never regret. I hate that I remember how fat your bottom lip is or what I thought I wanted before you decided to take everything from me."

"I'm sorry"

"I decided to forgive you a long time ago and I won't forget that no matter how many nightmares this monster provokes. I just want you to know that you do not deserve to know anything about me. You, almost lover, are my inter hatred. and that is something you may never be able to truly let go of,but I refuse to let it suffocate my life. I can save myself."

Alas no answer.

May on being upset.

"I don't think I can make it all better by strumming a cord or writing a tune. I ain't got much here in my corner, just this here song and a whole lot of love for you."

I thought you should know that in no way have you ever been, nor will you ever be completely abandon, even when that is what it feels like. <3 

MLK Day

Martin Luther King Junior Day is today. It is also the first day of the semester here at Northern Michigan University. I sit here wondering how I can celebrate such a magnificent man.What can I do to show my appreciation? Should I vote? Yes. Here I am getting my education, something for which Dr. King was a advocate.What is my dream? Where is my peace?

The rest of the news is shows images of the revolt in Romania, violent outburst in Syria and the cruise ship that tipped in Italy. Everything is so jammed together. Talking to survivors, talking to survivors, and then talking to survivors. It is hard for me not think of peace globally when I see things such as this.

It is crazy the pace at which the news anchor is forced to change her facial expression to fit the mood of every news story? Foreign issues  are a sad, concerned  look. Political news is a smile that reads don't shoot the messenger. I wonder if she feels little emotion. I wonder about her dreams, what does she want for the world? As these questions cross my mind, the little racial diversity this university houses is apparent around me. Though if there is anything I've learned in the last two years it is that diversity is not just skin deep. So today I think I'll make a new friend. Celebrate the diversity of our experiences. I would like to today meet someone different form myself so I can celebrate my own dreams for peace.

After the craziest week of my life...

Things are finally calming down here. Today while she was leaving Grace, who is transferring, made the following statement:

" This is weird, I've never felt so attached to a place before."

Mission accomplished.

About that...

Northern Michigan’s 15th Annual Drag Show

Approximately one thousand five hundred people filed into the Vandament Area last Friday night to attend Northern Michigan’s University’s fifteen annual drag show. The show featured several drag queens, one gender queer individual. I found the whole night to be entertaining and fascinating. Social deviation from the culturally created gender binary is refreshing and in a lot of ways absolutely hilarious. I believe that the drag show is meant to be kind of freeing for the audience and in that way it marks a transition for me.
    For the sake of not diving face first into my own personal story of sexuality development I will only state the facts. Fact One: Last year I was” in the closet.” Every year at the show, drag queen Joey Black tries to identify all the queers in the audience by requesting that everyone who is comfortable clap and cheer when she shouts out the sexual preference one might identify with. One year ago for someone like me this was a horrific, yet eye opening experience. Last year I was so upset that I didn’t have the balls, or in this case the ovaries to identify myself as a queer person I almost cried.  Coming to the realization that I wasn’t nearly as accepting of myself as I am to the rest of the LGBT community made me want to change, it woke me up, it scared me out of being afraid. I’ve recognized that this was a major step towards letting my sexuality become just another part of my wholeness and overall identity.  
    Fact Two: I’ve been working on developing through my experiences accepting myself. This year I attended the drag show with my girlfriend Robin and friends from the Student Finance Committee. In my mind the time had come, at last in some sort of full circle moment I was going to identify myself as queer without any hesitation at all, finally in this room of 1500, I was symbolically accepting myself. Joey black takes the stage; nervousness hits me, a good type of nervousness, but nervousness all the same. Taking the microphone in a gloved hand, she shouts out for a response from the gay men in the audience, then all the straight men, the straight women and then the lesbians. Crushed, I almost shout out with the lesbians just to complete my symbolic circle.In addition to my hesitation Robin's hand slipped into mine pulling downward before I might even think about putting it up.Robin hates the word lesbian. She laughs sheepishly at me. I explain my hesitation to her as if convincing myself that I don't really need my full circle moment. What about me and my simply queer identity?
        Fact Three: Even awesomely inspiring drag queens make mistakes, but the gender queer saves us all. After a couple more glorious acts Midwest Gender Queer takes the stage. I’m skeptical of this performer. Jack was identified to the SFC as drag king. When asked specifically if Jack was a drag king or a gender queer Outlook said that Jack was in fact a drag king and that gender queer was incorrect. Though the title gender queer confused me to the point of true curiosity, not much about the title mattered when it came to performance. Jack, though less experienced than the drag queens seemed to care just as much about the message that a performance sent to the audience. Less trained in entertainment Jack wasn't received nearly as well as the queens and at times was far more difficult to watch. Jack was the performer though that thoughtfully added to Joey Black’s spectrum of sexuality and in doing so allowed me to come full circle with my own transition out of the fearful stage of my sexuality development. Jack asked the audience for a cheer, if they defined themselves as bi-sexual, pan-sexual, Trans, or with the generalization of queer. This allowed me and quite a few others to feel for a moment a sense of pride. As I’ve learned more about the development of sexuality spectrum I have realized that it may be hard to ever stop adding to it. Even with the age and experience differences I thought there was a lot to be learned from the entire cast of the drag show.
 

dark sky happiness

Tonight in her eyes I can see a dark sky happiness, a peace that is natural to her like oxygen to the earth.  She feels a perfect kind of alone, like a grain of sand swept away by the winds of her intellect, blown into a sea of a fitting uncertainty only to settle in the scariest, most beautiful parts of herself.

She builds her shaken soul like a sandcastle, she stands with a strength  won't be destroyed  by the  tide of tomorrow or fade away like a reminder of yesterday. I play with her sunshine, lay on her beaches and skip my deepest secrets like pebbles across the oceans in her eyes. I beg myself for the courage to give her something she might  believe in. I write down her wildest dreams in my soul. I scribble them poetically across the roots  of the every Burch tree that still stands in the forest of her living, breathing diary. I give them a place where they can grow old. 

I swear she bleeds the colors of  the wind for I am almost afraid of her. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks hidden agony is beautiful.What does she see when she watches the rain poor from a gray sky?  Does she cry for the homeless man who's cardboard castle is  doomed to die , or does she grab his hand and remind him how dancing could make him feel like he could fly  I wonder if the pain in her eyes is an allusion. Frightened by the very idea that her scars would be too beautiful to wish away. Afraid that she would heal faster than I could bring myself to understand. We are day and night, the latest part of night and the earliest part of the morning, separated by only seconds, a marvelous end and a beautiful beginning. I am swept up in myself until I loose myself within her  and we cry a perfect purple into the latest hours of the firefly morning.

She breathes angry like wildfire and only cries when she can do so with the majesty of the ocean. She knows she's a drop of rain, a snowflake unlike any other. I know only of her springtime dreams.She wants to nourish the grass just to watch it grow slowly. She speaks  to me as if she is far from herself, like parts of her long to be apart of something to the moon. She's the fog that sits on the horizon. The dew that caresses the grass like it's just waiting to evaporate into the weightless afternoon.She has become the mist that is cast into the atmosphere for sake of making our every encounter a hidden beautiful like the day dream stars in her dark sky evening. She is a natural mystery, I am overwhelmed with a loneliness, the wind blows and the my soul grows weary, she's two inches away and I'm not sure I could scream I love you loud enough for her to hear me.

Reverse Cacoon

Calming are the waves of the ocean of anger  that I willing submerse myself in when I paddle back the hours misery and return to our bottomless conversation.
Remember how you were drowning in disappointment, and my not yet resentful words sink like defective life rafts, we have lost ourselves in a storm of honest helplessness and confusion.

My defense  is the ugliest part of spring time. My values decompose. Parts of myself that you said seemed to fall from my identity like leaves from a tree . There they are sitting in the ground all winter finally molding and decomposing until they can nourish my roots and help me grow stronger. Roots that you refuse to recognize, you're stuck in your own visions of summer time, how could such a beautiful flower die like that? You look at me like I'm some kind of weed you want to pull out of your garden If our roots weren't so intertwined you might pluck me from the ground as if I didn't bud from you. A butterfly that looks like a moth.Our every encounter makes you wonder how I could emerge from metamorphosis like this. You do your best to build me another cocoon.  As if I believe the light in her eyes is the moon and I swarm around them until I they won't light up my world anymore. The world has grown cold and so have I.  How can I be killing everything about myself when I've been constantly stopping my own heart to breathe for you? How can everything that you taught me about my identity be lost when all I've been trying to do is find myself?

I bleed silent agony when I cut myself with the pieces of your broken heart. I cry as if I could heal myself with my own tears, or at the very least harbor my own feelings about what matters to me. Shouldn't I harbor you? Or was that ability one of the things  swept away by the waves of recreation that have caused my soul to erode so  demonically that sometimes we can't speak? If I called you every hour on the hour to say 'Mom, I love you," then might you realize how much I haven't lost sight of myself. 

What if I wrote a book about dresses of glitter and tea cups of butterflies? I would dedicate it to us. I would paint pictures of  cocoons and caterpillars only mentioning beautiful wings and how they grew. I would never mention the art of flight in case that offends you.  Would it heal your heart to know that I remember those things? What part of who I have become shames your maternity? Is it my belief in myself that cuts you the deepest? What did you want for me? Please describe your dreams for me in the the kind of detail that might allow me to stitch together a blanket of  accomplishments big enough to cover all the things you tell me you can't understand. I'd give it to you as a peace offering, warm up my heart and show you how the blood in my veins still runs an oxygen deprived blue and hope with all I have  that you could find a part of me that still believes in you.

How Not to Loose Your Best Friend Step Two

When you finally get the chance to sit down with the friend or group of friends you think you are neglecting don't be afraid to act normal.


What happens when you final have that five minutes to spare to see your old friends? I'll tell you what happens...awkward hellos. "I'm here in this place and you don't know it yet but you've missed me," types of hellos are exchanged. Half smiles are dusted with the confusion that accompanies the thought about why we no longer hug are then expressed. Sit down, it's awkward but you've finally made it back to the place that you weren't sure you could actually return to, you know, that place inside your soul were your best friend lives. Here we are sharing the only common experience I believe I can bring up without sounding too reminiscent....I mean being studious. I can still crack jokes, did you know that? I haven't forgotten that much about our friendship, we were always so good at laughing together. Look at us, pretty soon we're laughing at sexual innuendos and drawing copious amounts of attention to ourselves just like old times. Holy shit, I've missed all of you.

It's still weird the way we all walk away without I love you's or friendly embraces, it still bother's me that I haven't been able to see you all semester, but I'm not  surprised that you looked at me like I'm still the same person you met two whole years ago. Happy Anniversary, Bro. <3   

How Not to Loose Your Best Friend:Step One

 I am currently in the process of being let go by my best friend. It's a long grueling process. I'm not sure if it's my job, my relationship status, her busy schedule,or the fact that we hardly see one another  that has caused us to fall apart. All I know is that I need to check in. I'm pretty sure I'm letting this friendship fade and I'm determined not to let that happen anymore.

 Step One: Despite the fact that you no longer hang out as much as you did before,  be sure to make awkward conversation when you see your friend in public places.

I know, I know, this seems a little pushy doesn't it? I mean if your best friend no longer wants to talk to you in public or just finds it easier to ignore you why give them the light of day? To words:extra effort. If this friendship really means anything to you keep talking. Everyone wants to feel special. If you feel like your being annoying that's okay. Being an annoying friend is way more effective then being the one who doesn't even glance in  someone's general direction.This shows that you aren't ready to give up which is key to rebuilding bridges.

She looks like summer and walks like rain...

She reminds me that there is time to change. Oh and there is time; there is time to grow.. Her life seems to be going through some type of metamorphosis that is just about to peak. A butterfly, a  gentle comparison she might never acknowledge.A butterfly breaking out of the cocoon she worked so hard to build herself. I wonder if butterflies really get this scared about finally breaking free. No one holds a mirror for a butterfly so they can look at what beautiful creatures they have finally become. I wonder if real butterflies get scared when the cocoon falls out from under them and the have to fly.  I wonder if they ever see the reflection of their wings in a puddle of mud and want to kiss all the beautiful colors. I wonder if growing those beautiful tools of flight is a painful process. I wonder if real butterflies wonder why they were made to fly, or if they simply do without question. I'd be her puddle of mud. I'd kiss all her colors and make her see that flight is enough. I'd be the rays of sunlight that break through the window of the second grade classroom to illuminate the escape of  the butterfly from it's cocoon. I'll be as awed as the children, I'll discover a new way of learning through her. I would never clip her wings, or keep her for myself. I love the way she freeing herself, but I cant help but want to save the cocoon and remind her that this is why I fell in love with a caterpillar. Beauty is change.

Road.

"Everyone who you read about, all those people have a disorder, they just know how to use it.' 

I've heard two really insightful things today, this being the first.I thought about this concept and how it is imperative that I be in touch with what I need when I need it.That in order to become who I want to become I need to know how to use what challenges me most. I've also been thinking about how challenging that is for me as an individual. I've been thinking about the need to feel needed and the other aspects of my interpersonal relationships. I think most of all that I've been contemplating why it is that I continue to  become aware of what I need and  how those moments of discovery become pivotal points in my life; why is it that no matter what  obstacle I face, no matter the challenge, no matter how disordered my life becomes, I've come to a point where defeat and victory are nearly synonymous in relation to the development of my soul?

   

The second inspirational thing I heard has helped to progress m mind through this. The idea that  was placed in front of me today is that I will find the people I need when I need to find them; when I feel like I  am on a road alone and experiencing something I feel I can't understand, I am, in fact, right where I need to be. I think the concept  of  developing my soul through other human beings inspires me more than anything else at all.

Why: In my life, especially in the last three years, nothing has proven to be more true than the idea that I am indeed a beautifully complicated soul, who only becomes more beautiful by becoming more complicated. I have discovered this complex correlation, in the only place I could and that is within myself. I am who I am and honestly I'm not quite sure I want to know everything there is to know about that person. Knowing myself completely would mean that I have lost the ability to surprise and underestimate myself; I would lose the ability to evolve and develop as a human being. This isn't to say that I don't want to explore the realities of my behavior. I want to  better myself by being able to define what I value and why. I believe that I've become even more aware of myself lately  because I've become astoundingly intoxicated by the way the people around me have been discovering things within themselves. Being here, in my home, with this intelligent and courageous group of young women has become a humbling and soul enriching experience. It is moving to witness  someone discovering courage they didn't think they had, relating to others in a way they didn't expect, or searching for support they didn't know they needed, to find it in someone they've known for  what seems like not nearly long enough.

I heard today that I have the people I need and that as I  progress others will come into my life just as suddenly. I need the people in my life. It continues to astound me how much I become inspired by a five minute conversation with a friend; that alone drives my need to meet more people and truly invest in my relationships with the people I have come to know.

I think all in all this is about being thankful for the people who have unknowingly pointed me in the right direction and reassured me that I need not worry about the constant change. This is about knowing that I have the people I need and trusting within myself. In some ways this is a letter to myself, declaring that I am going somewhere. Despite the challenges, I am on a path that will lead me to love, peace,and goodness, regardless of my changing definitions of all of those things . I'm on a road I won't regret taking with a group of amazing people who are unknowingly leading me to a place I couldn't have known I needed to go. 

Peace. Love. Vu. 

This is way more intense than expected. I wasn't prepared for something this real;I just wasn't.

Keep It Loose, Keep it tight.

Well I walked over the bridge
Into the city where I live,
And I saw my old landlord.
Well we both said hello,
There was no where else to go,
'cuz his rent I couldn't afford.

Well relationships change,
Oh I think it's kinda strange,
How money makes a man grow.
Some people they claim,
If you get enough fame,
You live over the rainbow.
Over the rainbow..

But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet,
We all got the same blood flow.
Oh, in society,
Every dollar got a deed,
We all need a place so we can go,
And feel over the rainbow.

But sometimes,
We forget what we got,
Who we are.
Oh who are are not.
I think we gotta chance,
To make it right.
Keep it loose,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight.

I'm in love with a girl,
Who's in love with the world,
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day,
She is bound to go away,
And stay over the rainbow.
Gotta learn how to let her go.
Over the rainbow.

Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.
Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight.

Keep it tight,
Keep it tight,
Yaa..