I am going home for spring break. I better work on the pig tails and light and fluffiness that accompanies my home life. I guess it wouldn't hurt for me to seem a little less cinical. I feel badly for everyone that lays eyes on this blog being that it portrays me to be a bit of a conceded bitch.
I'm not all about myself. Promise.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Bull Shit.
Dr.Olsen claims that the Justice system is far to harsh with the sentences it gives to most sex offenders. In his opinion it is far too easy to get on the sex offenders list. He called sexual abuse that doesn't involve penetration playing ''Ditty Bop." He argues that in prehistoric days, when sex wasn't seen a morally wrong or right, sex was taught to youngsters by relatives and older friends. I was the most appalled he also brought up how there are studies that show that if a child isn't penetrated by the abuser then all the emotional damage they have as a part of the abuse will literally disappear.He defended that it is proper to put away sex offenders who commit twice, but that's it. It was bull shit. I hated it.
I was so close to walking out today. I regret not walking out. I think he would have followed me out and apologized. I still needed to make a point. I feel badly for not saying something about how offended I was. How dare he be little what happens to people. How dare he.
Yesterday I heard that one of my darlings is reading her story at Hear Us Roar this year. When I found out that she had been sexually assulted I felt my heart break. I felt literal pain for her soul. I still feel it.
I was so close to walking out today. I regret not walking out. I think he would have followed me out and apologized. I still needed to make a point. I feel badly for not saying something about how offended I was. How dare he be little what happens to people. How dare he.
Yesterday I heard that one of my darlings is reading her story at Hear Us Roar this year. When I found out that she had been sexually assulted I felt my heart break. I felt literal pain for her soul. I still feel it.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Worries.
Okay. I'm blogging for a bit of stress relief so here is my rant.
I can't stop thinking about how awesome it would be on summer orientation staff. I had RA selection today. I think I fucked up. I feel like I am not unique enough to be noticed by people who don't know me. I'm terrified of rejection, which is ironic because I value growth so much. I'm scared that everything I do messes everything I have going for me right up. I worry far too much about impressing people. I focus on my self far too often. I'm weird, it's noticeable. I have a dorky laugh. I give off the impression that I would like to be other people. I just want to be me. I feel like I know who that is. I value love.
Acceptance. I need to find it with in myself first.
I'm worried about becoming an RA because I haven't "dealt" with some of my own issues, but I'm confident in my abilities to lead. It's getting around time for self-acceptance week. I read Voices of Courage last week in my own type of preparation. I'm starting to forget how I felt exactly. I can't recall the feelings. I remember the anger but I can't harness it. I think that might be good. I feel guilty for letting myself grow past it.
Tomorrow should be the SOS phone call day. I'm so excited. I still can't stop thinking about how awesome it would be. I keep thinking I threw myself under the bus with the challenges question. I mean now that I think a about camp and things I've made pretty valuable connections with quiet kids. I want this so badly. I start to feel like that's a bad thing, then I remember that it is just my nature to desire things that are important and that is something I can't control.
I can't stop thinking about how awesome it would be on summer orientation staff. I had RA selection today. I think I fucked up. I feel like I am not unique enough to be noticed by people who don't know me. I'm terrified of rejection, which is ironic because I value growth so much. I'm scared that everything I do messes everything I have going for me right up. I worry far too much about impressing people. I focus on my self far too often. I'm weird, it's noticeable. I have a dorky laugh. I give off the impression that I would like to be other people. I just want to be me. I feel like I know who that is. I value love.
Acceptance. I need to find it with in myself first.
I'm worried about becoming an RA because I haven't "dealt" with some of my own issues, but I'm confident in my abilities to lead. It's getting around time for self-acceptance week. I read Voices of Courage last week in my own type of preparation. I'm starting to forget how I felt exactly. I can't recall the feelings. I remember the anger but I can't harness it. I think that might be good. I feel guilty for letting myself grow past it.
Tomorrow should be the SOS phone call day. I'm so excited. I still can't stop thinking about how awesome it would be. I keep thinking I threw myself under the bus with the challenges question. I mean now that I think a about camp and things I've made pretty valuable connections with quiet kids. I want this so badly. I start to feel like that's a bad thing, then I remember that it is just my nature to desire things that are important and that is something I can't control.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Loss.
I just know read a blog about the feelings you get after having lost someone you love with your whole soul. The whole of this young woman's soul being so vast and beautiful that having been given any part of it must have been overwhelming. To be given all of it with unconditional love and admiration must have been something that is unfathomable by someone such as myself. I morn for her.
Having lost someone at such a young age must have made it nearly unbearable. I am so lucky never having lost anyone of major significance. I mean that not in a way that disrespects the souls of those I have lost, but only to say that we should have known each other better. I am so afraid that someone is just going to drop out of my life. I know my fear is nothing in comparison to the pain she feels. Losing her mother. My soul aces for her loss. Knowing that all I've ever "lost" was you almost gives me comfort. Knowing that you are gone and I am that much stronger makes me content.
My life seems so trivial in contrast to her's. My story lacking the significance. I'm so afraid of awkwardness. How did I get this way? I hope I never loose the people in my life and regret the things I long to say, but I will loose or be lost. I hope to love so much that I will never fade away.
Having lost someone at such a young age must have made it nearly unbearable. I am so lucky never having lost anyone of major significance. I mean that not in a way that disrespects the souls of those I have lost, but only to say that we should have known each other better. I am so afraid that someone is just going to drop out of my life. I know my fear is nothing in comparison to the pain she feels. Losing her mother. My soul aces for her loss. Knowing that all I've ever "lost" was you almost gives me comfort. Knowing that you are gone and I am that much stronger makes me content.
My life seems so trivial in contrast to her's. My story lacking the significance. I'm so afraid of awkwardness. How did I get this way? I hope I never loose the people in my life and regret the things I long to say, but I will loose or be lost. I hope to love so much that I will never fade away.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Again with the people in my life.
I'm not sure if blogs are supposed to be as much of a diary type thing as mine is. I may be centered around the things in my life, but this is my blog so I assume that will be accepted.
I had my SOS interview today. I thought it went rather well. As I hoped they would be, Josh and Dylan completely chill people. I think I did a fairly good job. The will to do it is even stronger now. Oh we shall see.
I talked about what a big difference M.Persons has made in my life. This was mostly because they wanted to know who made my orientation. Becky made my orientation. So. Much. Love.
Sit. Wait. Hope.
I had my SOS interview today. I thought it went rather well. As I hoped they would be, Josh and Dylan completely chill people. I think I did a fairly good job. The will to do it is even stronger now. Oh we shall see.
I talked about what a big difference M.Persons has made in my life. This was mostly because they wanted to know who made my orientation. Becky made my orientation. So. Much. Love.
Sit. Wait. Hope.
The warmth of the sunshine.
When I was in the fourth grade I saw a movie about mountains how you can be comfy snowboarding in a bathing suit due to the weird climate in some places. Today is that day in Marquette. It is so warm here. The snow is melting faster than I've ever seen. I know the snowing sky is bound to come back. I hope it does. Today I'll take the sunshine.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The roller coaster is always fun.
Wow. Here is the truth about how tonight just went.
9:00 freak out a bit
930 freak out a bit more
10:00 Start holding my phone in hand and looking at it.
10:15 Start excepting all potential realities
10:30 Shed tear number one
10:45 Shed tear numbers 2- 24 and get in the shower
10:50 More Tears
11:00 Wonder how pathetic I am for being quite upset
11:15 Be really really upset for wanting anything as badly as I want this. It might not be healthy this much desire for one potentially amazing experience.
How will I face the music?
11:23 Decide that the math test I have tomorrow can not wait for tears.College waits for no self-esteem set backs
11:25 Put my hair up. Hear the phone ring. Answer it. Josh!
11:26 Hang Up the Phone. Jump up and down with Agnes.
11:27 Feel like a fool for doubting myself.
11:28 Celebrate with some people outside (quietly) Nearly piss off my RA. Hug her several times.
11:30 Come back to reality. Decide to be myself and hope that how awesome I would be at this shines brighter than these weird ass quirks of mine. Most days I'm thirlled my emotions run about as deep as the sea. Today, I'm just hoping that someone might see what a valuble player of the team I would be. = )
9:00 freak out a bit
930 freak out a bit more
10:00 Start holding my phone in hand and looking at it.
10:15 Start excepting all potential realities
10:30 Shed tear number one
10:45 Shed tear numbers 2- 24 and get in the shower
10:50 More Tears
11:00 Wonder how pathetic I am for being quite upset
11:15 Be really really upset for wanting anything as badly as I want this. It might not be healthy this much desire for one potentially amazing experience.
How will I face the music?
11:23 Decide that the math test I have tomorrow can not wait for tears.College waits for no self-esteem set backs
11:25 Put my hair up. Hear the phone ring. Answer it. Josh!
11:26 Hang Up the Phone. Jump up and down with Agnes.
11:27 Feel like a fool for doubting myself.
11:28 Celebrate with some people outside (quietly) Nearly piss off my RA. Hug her several times.
11:30 Come back to reality. Decide to be myself and hope that how awesome I would be at this shines brighter than these weird ass quirks of mine. Most days I'm thirlled my emotions run about as deep as the sea. Today, I'm just hoping that someone might see what a valuble player of the team I would be. = )
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