Encounter?

I'm thinking about heading out to Encounter this weekend with some people I know who are going out there to spend some time with God. I'm wondering if that would be weird. I wonder if even God's people think it is odd that I am developing this really intense relationship with my idea of God and love so immediately.I feel like love, at least the love that I know can be between two human beings, isn't something I need to head into slowly. God is love.

Is it weird that I can understand the humanist perspective of atheism? I mean Atheists aren't terrible people. Atheists aren't devil worshipers. Many atheists love humanity and believe that this world is the something that we are apart of. I can see that. I can see being so wrapped up in the world that needing to acknowledge the higher power that may be  there to support life wouldn't seem necessary. After all taking care of the earth and loving one another is supposed to be a ticket to heaven anyway. If only we could truly focus on that love.  if we could zone in on love instead of being wrapped up in what is or is not. I think that is why I love this new praise outlet in my life. I can feel the love there. Pure love, the type of love that two human beings spend their lives trying to absorb in one another.That is the humanist part of spirituality that I identify with, but I feel that love and for some reason and I believe it is from God.

Like.,

I speak and this is what people hear. Like blah blah blah. Like blah. I am honestly the one of the least articulate beings on the planet. I need to work on this. Conviction.

Lost it.

Today I went all out and lost my self-control. I cried in public again. Tears.

"We are strongest when we are weak." That is what the message was at Water's Edge today. I'm still grasping the concept. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm begging God to love me, then I think I only do that because no one else does. I also think I'm an idiot because people do love me. Why do I need so much validation?  I can't believe I cried. I feel so weak. I feel so vulnerable. I hate that feeling. I hate it.

Breathe. Stretch. Shake.

Dear God.

I thought she said cancer. I heard her. I think she might have been joking, but I thought I heard her say that they were checking her for cancer. I hope to God that I heard her wrong, that she was just getting checked and that she has no reason to believe that she might have a illness that could claim her life so young. I hope she was joking or maybe they were doing something else and she felt like they were checking her for cancer. God, I hope that was it. I'm worried. I hope she is okay. I need her to be okay.

I'd give her friendship up cold turkey if it would save her life.Other people need her far more than I do and I would give her up if it meant her and I were on the same planet for some 50 more years. Sometimes I believe that no one is capable of love like that woman. No one. I know I may be over reacting, but I'm allowed a bit of an over-reaction being that I value her so. I just won't say that I'm having this intense a reaction to something she won't even let bother her too much. Strongest.Person. Ever.

I hope I can feel like an idiot for writing this if I find out what is really happening.I hope I can look at her and see her bright happy eyes with out the look of anxiety. Please.

Poetry.

I wrote another poem today. It has come to my attention that in doing so I am constantly absorbing the concept of love and spewing it all over the page, even if that is not actually my intention.Privately in my pessimism I have decided that I know nothing of the sort and that I am like an fictional novelist. Dare I say that I despite my being perplexed by the concept of love, I actually know nothing about it. I see it in other people, observe it, absorb it and to a point envy it. I do need to grow up. I'm like a child. Poetry is supposed to be a reflection of beauty. I feel like I am disgracing the pen writing about this subject I really know very little about. My capacity to love is infinite, however I need to capture some lyrical realism. I need to stop believing in humanity to the point of ignorance.   


I am a child.

Sing songs.

"Don't forget me I beg. Sometimes it lasts love. Sometimes it hurts instead. Never mind I'll find someone like you." - Adele

This song came on in Starbucks and I think it's a good sign. = )

When it's late I become overwhelmed by this need to appreciate people. Mondays are the worst and yet absolutely the best. Today is Tuesday. I think that it has pretty great potential.. I'm unsure why, but that doesn't bother me.

Loss

It kills me to know you are the closest thing I have ever had to loss. It still hurts when I think about all the things that I have that others do not. I hate that loosing you was the closest thing to heartbreak I've ever felt. All these people right here walking because of real loss and real pain. Cancer. Terrible loss. Crazy strength. Fight back and find a cure.

You. Weakness. I can't even look at you. I hate you, the type of hate that manifests its' self into violent terror. In my dreams I'm the terrorist. I am he person I never wanted to be. I'm the bad guy. I'm you and you are me. I'm the killer. I create the loss and you are helpless. You always manage to put up a fight, but I always win. I always beat you within an inch of your life and laugh. I always laugh before you should die, but you never do. You  always live and I'm just happy to see you suffer. Suffer. Loss. It's over. It's been over. Take your good directions and go away. Fuck you and everything you've made me see. Fuck everything  you've made me dream. My dreams are mine and I wouldn't give you one to save your mother fucking life. Would I? I wouldn't save you. In my dreams I wouldn't save you. I would though. Me. In this world were I am who I want to be, I would save you. In reality I am far more the life saver than I am the killer. I am far more a survivor who goes back into the disaster to save you in spite of who you are. I'm not the killer and I'm not the victim. Hear me mother fucker. I'm not a  victim, I would still save you .