Dreamer.

Oh, what a constant battle I have with myself these days. I 've been going over these blogs that I've written to myself. Going over how much my perspective has changed over the past year. I think I'm looking for something again. I can't decide if it is something spiritual like Jesus or something piratical like a reinforcement so that my behavior doesn't seem like a total waste of my time.

I understand that it is weird that I'm constantly complaining about his something that I am not sure I ever had. I just wish I could justify all of the effort I've been putting forth with something. Any kind of reinforcement, a job or a hug from someone who really means it. My darling RA came into my room today just to tell me I was great. I loved this of course. I was just left wondering why she would say something like that. What have I done that is so wonderful?

This is my biggest weakness.I need to become better at making myself believe that I am awesome often enough that I believe in who I am and not just my dreams. Sometimes I feel like dreams aren't any good unless you can make them true. I try not remember that too often though. I am a big dreamer and sometimes the process is far too slow for my liking.

I'm difficult.